Just Crap

I haven’t written anything in a few days.  I thought it had been more like two weeks, but my last post was Friday.  I’m not doing too well.  I’m not sure how I got through this weekend alive.  Huh, that actually has two meanings.  Not only did I have thoughts about killing myself, but I was put in a situation where I had the potential to be raped, tortured, nipples cut off, blood written on the wall, and then my throat slit as I’m left to bleed out on the floor.  Sorry, that got a little icky.  I’ll post about that later today – maybe.  Back to the topic, I am feeling flat.  I was feeling sad and on my way to hopelessness.  I think as a way to protect myself, I’ve just had to shut off my feelings.  Feel numb.  I have no release.  Well, there’s one but I had hoped I wouldn’t go back to that.  Too late.  If I didn’t have that little release from time to time, I think I may have driven off one of the many mountains around here.  I almost did on my lunch break yesterday.  Instead, I went back to the hotel to try and shut up the fucking monkey that’s been cleaving to Jay.  It didn’t work as well as I had hoped.

This morning seemed to start off better, but who knows how the day will progress?  Each day these past couple weeks have been like walking through a minefield.  If it’s not one thing, it’s another.  The worst part is when I’m made to feel that I’m crazy for thinking I’m walking through a minefield – “No need to walk on eggshells” – and then a mine EXPLODES without warning.  One that’s about twenty feet away that I wasn’t even looking at.  And, of course, I am the one to take the impact, but I must do it without complaint.

Yeah, things are seeming pretty crappy right now.  Every second I’m awake is like drifting through life while trying to balance on the edge of a razor blade.  All I can do is keep going.  I know that things will get better.  It’s just going to be shit until it gets there.

Categories: Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depressed, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self Harm, Self-Injury | Tags: | 11 Comments

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11 thoughts on “Just Crap

  1. Jaen Wirefly

    I’m glad you know things will get better, because they always do. Please don’t put yourself in harms way anymore; we have enough emotional turmoil and pain without letting someone else have a crack at us.

    Hugs girl!

  2. Wish I had more to give in the way of comfort here.
    Regardless, I & my family continue to pray for you both….

  3. Aww Meg! The one thing I’ve learned from reading your blogs is that you are a fighter, and survivor! You can do this! I hope it gets better faster!

  4. Oy! Shitsville!! Get on the train to Betterville! Stat!! I am sorry things suck.

  5. imtakingcontrol

    Gawd I can so relate to your posts …Thank you for sharing with us I read your posts daily 🙂

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