Me Thinks They Don’t Protest Enough


If someone was hurling horrible, unthinkable accusations at you, wouldn’t you respond?  Especially if it was a terrible thing you were being accused of that you didn’t even do?  I know I would!  If someone accused me of something that wasn’t accurate, I would stand up in a heartbeat and deny it.

I just find it very very odd that my birth family found my blog and has been reading it, they know that I know they read it, and still absolute silence on the sexual abuse issue.

I have written several posts just putting out ponderings of possible sexual abuse.  Then, in two posts last week I straight up accused my father of sexually abusing me, and I commented that my mother knew about it, and may have even taken part herself.  Then, to make sure they didn’t miss it, I tweeted those posts to my cousin.  He is a pastor.  He is also very close with my mother’s mother.  My grandmother likes to start trouble throughout that family, and I’m sure she leapt at the chance to spread THAT juicy news!

I haven’t heard anything on the subject from any member of that family.  Even my cousin that I tweeted chose to remain silent.

Now, I know that I ended contact with the whole lot of those worthless lumps.  I just really expected to find an email in my trash folder (All their emails go straight to Trash, do no pass Go, do not collect $100), explaining how I am obviously “troubled” to make such accusations.  Or a comment on one of those posts.  I know I would have said something long ago if I had been accused of doing such a thing to a person who was entrusted to my care.  Even if it WAS true, I wouldn’t want people believing it!  I would fall all over myself to make sure my name wasn’t linked to the sexual abuse of my daughter.

I was really wanting to send an email to my mother and father the other day.  Directly pointing my finger at them.  NAMING their sin.  EXPOSING them.  Jay talked me out of it.  He told me that all it would do is cause me to have expectations that I KNEW would not be met.  I have gone to my birth parents many times with issues I have regarding the way they have treated me.  Each time was met with denial and mocking.  I walked away from each conversation feeling like a stupid liar who wasn’t important enough to be validated by her own birth family.

I suppose I don’t need to worry about having that conversation with my birth parents.  I know that, when the time is right, they will be judged and found guilty.  God will take care of all that for me one day.  And they should fear His judgement and wrath far more than mine.

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Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depressed, Mental Illness, Parenting, PTSD, Relationships, Self Harm, Self-Injury, Sexual Abuse | 1 Comment

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One thought on “Me Thinks They Don’t Protest Enough

  1. Honestly, it breaks my heart. Our entire marriage I have seen how you have just wanted some kind of acknowledgement of how you felt and they would SCOFF at the “incredulity” of your statement. How many fights have you and I had because I went behind your back and contacted them to rip them a new asshole and ask, “What the fuck is WRONG with you people? Start acting right or you will lose her.”

    I think they CAN’T give it any credibility because doing so would crack their little facades open too much. “And all the king’s horse and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Debbie back together again.” Selah THAT! ( just so everyone knows, this is Meg’s blog so I am being “nice.” Normally, “Selah THAT” is followed by “…Mother Fucker!” followed by a hip thrust. Then, I grab a beer, say, “I’M DONE!” and throw the beer bottle against a wall….normally. I collapse down to one knee and Meg comes and puts a cape over my shoulders. I jump up again, “HEEEEEEEEAAAAAIIIIIIII! Wann kiss myself.”……….

    Wait….I think I may have seen that on TV. Whatever…I like it.

    I know how it hurts when it is personal but is a principal you and I have discussed at other times in other contexts. Small minded people try to destroy anything (person or thought) that threatens THEIR “reality.”

    Now…about the GOD stuff…oh hells YEAH! In the past I used sneaky prayers to try to get GOD to exact revenge for me. “GOD, I hope they get EVERYTHING they deserve’ Or I would “pray” for them and try not to giggle while I thought about “heaping coals on their heads.”

    Shhhhhh…I think it actually worked a few times because MAN…I saw some people get fucked up. I laughed, but I did feel kinda sorry for them..but not too much.

    Anyway….you know me and what a connoisseur of GUILT I am. It’s because I KNOW the things I have done and I really do not think I am capable of lying to myself. That’s a curse because I don’t even have the luxury of saying, “Well, i didn’t KNOW it was wrong…” Yes, I knew. Yes, i did it anyway. I don’t lie to myself. And I hate myself for the things I have done. I DREAD Judgement Day because I KNOW that then, even me, who is very self aware, will be stripped even further…no “convenient lies” to hide behind.

    Imagine: Someone’s ENTIRETY is a LIE. On That Day, when the band-aid of a lie that covers them is RIPPED OFF…..

    Imagine farther…..you know how irate I have been because of how they have treated you, because you are “my girl.” Me, as fucked up as I am, can see the wrongness of it. So GOD, and you are really HIS girl, HE just loaned you to me (HE said, “Polish her up. That’ll take LOTS of rubbin'” so don’t blame me, I am just doing what GOD told me to!) They will not be able to hide from GOD behind lies like they have from me and HIS anger will be righteous and consuming.

    Fuck them right in the ear, Dude….They don’t deserve you and never did.

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