Monthly Archives: February 2013

Self-Injury Awareness Day 2013

I know I haven’t written anything in a couple weeks.  Ehh…I really don’t know what else to say about that right now.  I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that this coming Friday, March 1st is Self-Injury Awareness Day.  The color to wear on that day is orange.  I was trying to get an orange beaded bracelet last fall to wear on Friday, but things kept falling through.

Anyway, Friday, March 1st is Self-Injury Awareness Day!

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Cutting, Depressed, Mental Illness, Self Harm, Self-Injury | Tags: | 1 Comment

Coming to My Defense

Crazy Jay decided it was too difficult to stay quiet about the stupid-ass comment some G.I. Joe loser left on my blog.  I don’t blame him.  I’m glad he popped up to say something.  His comment to Serpentor is below.

“OK, IDIOT… every single one of my issues stem from LONG before I met Meg. Your assumptions offend me. How ignorant can you possibly be to say that NO ONE with BPD can make progress? First, it is just intellectually STUPID to use extreme terms like NO ONE or ALWAYS, so here’s your sign, fuck stick!

Really? Meg has made ZERO progress? Again, you reveal your STUNNING DULLNESS. Hey, asshole…here’s a question: Who is in a better position to know if Meg is making progress, you, who DO NOT KNOW HER or me, who lives with here every day. RIGHT! ME! You win the prize!

You have no idea how many people are PISSED OFF that we have to even listen to drivel like that so I am going to suggest to Meg that she POST your response as a blog, with your name, so that ALL the people who read her blog can know what a piece of shit you are. I hope they ALL decide to write you, too.

Your whole assessment of 10/80/10 good people to bad is bullshit, depending on your frame of reference. Wanna know what I think? I think you have just been bullied around your whole life so you are angry and bitter. You think no one else can make progress because, if ANYONE could, then why couldn’t the people who bullied you have stopped. Maybe they didn’t love you enough. Maybe you are not worth loving enough because you are a nasty, vitriolic. Or do YOU have BPD and you want want an excuse to be BAD. Most people who talk out of their asses with NO knowledge are just looking to excuse themselves for something. Maybe if you do have BPD Mommy just hurt you too badly to recover.

Don’t push your shit on other people! That’s called PROJECTION, although I am sure you knew that. I could tell from your comment that you are a STUDIED PROFESSIONAL!

ALL people are bad, but there is one mother fucker who is just about the meanest Monkey there is. Can ya guess who? Say some stupid ass, ignorant, self righteous uninformed shit like that to My Girl again and my NEXT response won’t be so kind.”

It’s too bad that guy doesn’t have a blog that I can blast off on.  Oh, wait…that must be my evil BPD speaking.  Don’t mind me.

Categories: Anger, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Marriage, Mental Illness, Relationships, Stress, Thoughts | Tags: | 8 Comments

Serpentor is Shit

What is wrong with people?  Why would a person think that it is ok to go onto a person’s blog, who is blogging about their MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, and tell them that they are evil?  Seriously…what would prompt them to go to a person’s blog just to spew their hate?  I received the below comment today on one of my older posts.

“Quick question, did your husband have PTSD and the other disorders before you?  I’m going to guess no.  #1 side effect from being with a BPD is PTSD.  And your listing his disorders in your profile is VERY BPD of you.  You’ve made 0 progress, because BPD’s are immune to progress.  Why do you think only BPD’s, which have had the same experiences as plenty of sane people, are the only ones that can never overcome it?  Easy, 10% of people are good no matter what, 80% pushable to good or evil, and 10% are evil no matter what.  BPD’s are the 10% evil which is why they never change or get better.  Just bad people.”

As far as I can tell, the person piece of shit who decided to leave their comment on my blog is a sad, small person with nothing better to do than bring others down.  Hmmm…sounds like he is among that 10% evil.  Maybe he has BPD.  I couldn’t find a blog/wordpress site that belonged to him.  He didn’t even have a profile.  The name he gave was Serpentor.  When I googled that name, thinking I may find some info on this person piece of shit, I found that “Serpentor” is a G.I. Joe character.  What a loser.

Categories: Anger, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Life, Mental Illness, Personal, Sad, Stress, Thoughts | Tags: | 12 Comments

Afraid and Alone

I had a dentist appointment this morning.  I got out of it about two hours ago, but I still can’t shake the panic and the fear.  While I was there I was doing ok.  I was trying to breathe mindfully, and while I breathed out, I said the word in my head that calms me down.  Not very original, but I use the word “relax”.  While my teeth were being scrapped at and I was worried they would be yanked right out of my head, I was trying to focus on every nook and cranny on the ceiling and the speaker above my head.  It helped that the dental assistant was very nice.  The entire experience actually went well, which shocked me because I have NEVER had any kind of decent experience at the dentist.

Then I was told that I need five teeth extracted.  FIVE.  Four of them are wisdom teeth, but I seriously doubt that makes the procedure any easier.  I’m at work right now.  Have been for almost two hours.  I’m completely freaking out.  I’m shaking so much I can barely hold anything, much less write.  I can’t think about anything except for my upcoming oral surgery…which is THIS FRIDAY!!!!  I tried to talk to someone about it when I got out of my appointment, but they were unavailable.  Now I’m unavailable, because I’m at work.  I came into work almost three hours late, so it’s not like I can take some time to walk off and make a phone call.  I’m sitting here, trying not to cry.  It’s not really working.  I’m trying to focus on my job and the work I need to do, but unfortunately there is not that much I can do.  Most of my workload depends on what the other slackers in my office get done, and they have not been producing lately.  I have been trying to distract myself by going to various internet news sites I enjoy, but I can’t focus.  I even thought if I read about wisdom teeth being removed and what to expect, it might help me calm down.  NOPE.  DID.  NOT.  WORK.

I’ve had a tooth removed before, but it was local anesthetic.  There wasn’t much pain, just pressure.  The entire experience made me very emotional, though.  I left in tears.  Not because it hurt.  I was just extremely emotional.  This is going to be actual surgery.  Put me to sleep surgery.  Can’t drive home surgery.  Can’t eat or drink for 8 hours before-hand surgery.  That really throws a monkey wrench in my plans.  I had every intention of showing up shit-faced drunk.  I mean, it’s not like I’m going to drive there.  I already asked the dental surgery office if they hand out Valiums at the door.  I’m sure they did not appreciate that question.

Fuck.  It’s only 11:30am.  I will have to be here until 6:00 or 6:30pm.  I have no idea how this is going to work.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Drinking, Health, Medication, Mental Illness, Panic Attack, Stress | Tags: | 3 Comments

A Follow Up

I spoke to my supervisor about the unwanted contact this morning.  She was appropriately horrified and disgusted   I was nervous to let her know what happened to the point of almost working up to a panic attack.  I have been fired in the past for complaining about sexual harassment.  She told me to send him an email, blind copy her, and then if it happened again, he would be fired.  Works for me!!  My letter is below.  I know it’s going to be awkward when I see or speak to him again, but I also know from experience that if I keep my mouth shut about unwanted contact that it will continue.  I will no more stand for being touched when I don’t want it to happen.

“Creepy Guy’s Name:

I didn’t mention anything to you this morning when it happened because you caught me off guard, but I did not appreciate you putting your arm around me and leaning your head to touch mine.  I do not like my personal space being invaded, and I would ask that it please not happen again.  I don’t know you very well, and we are in a professional environment, making that kind of contact inappropriate.  Thank you for your understanding, and I look forward to continue interacting with you on a professional basis.”

Categories: Anger, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Illness, Panic Attack, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Dysfunction | Tags: , | 8 Comments

Oh My God – DON’T TOUCH ME!!!

I wish I had the courage to tell people to back off and get out of my personal space.  I mean, I guess I can’t control if guys just LOOK at me, but why do they have to talk to me and be jerks?  Why do they think it’s ok to call me a “pretty girl” and put their arm around my shoulders?  How do I tell them it is unappreciated?  I guess I will have to walk around with a sour look on my face again.  Maybe I’ll start rubbing rotting onions on my clothes before I walk out the door.  Maybe that would dissuade those snapperheads who think that just because I am a female means that I want to be fawned over, touched, and harassed.

Yesterday I had some youngish dude talking to me, asking me to come up to his room to share the chicken that I brought home to the hotel for my husband and myself.  Today I heard a guy I work with talking about how he will see “a very pretty girl” when he walks around the corner (to my office).  When he appeared in my doorway, he said, “There she is!” and proceeded to walk over to me, put one arm around my shoulder, and squeeze like we were old friends or something.  He is a relatively new employee and I have only interacted with him a few times.  It even takes me a second to remember his name.  Why would someone think they could be so forward with a female employee?  Because I’m younger than him?  Is he thinking he’s treating me as his daughter?  Either way, we are in a PROFESSIONAL environment.  That means HANDS OFF, people!!

I know I have a tendency to overreact when ANYONE touches me, much less a male (he’s not worthy of being called “a man”), but, come on?  A HUG???  Pressing his cheek to my head?  In what world is THAT appropriate behavior?

I think this weekend I will have Crazy Jay pose for a freaky picture.  I’ll have his rock-n-roll hair wild, eyes wide and crazy, holding his huge-ass knives.  I’ll use it as the background on my computer.  Maybe then they’ll back off.

Categories: Anger, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Illness, Personal, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Dysfunction, Work | Tags: | 5 Comments

I do not have bipolar disorder

Every few days, or at least once a week, a search pops up in my WordPress stats.  It says something along the lines of “Meagan struggling with bipolar”.  Sometimes my last name is included, sometimes not.  To the person or people who keep entering that search, let me clear something up:


Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it is just incorrect.  I have borderline personality disorder.  While it is sometimes originally misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder, it is NOT the same thing, and I don’t have it.

Thank you.

Categories: Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Illness | Tags: , , , | 13 Comments

Let’s give ’em something to PRETEND about, eh?

I’m reposting this from Crazy Jay’s blog.  It is all 100% true, and pretty humorous.  Well, maybe a “dark comedy” kinda funny.  Anyway, it made me laugh!  Check it out


Let’s give ’em something to PRETEND about, eh?.

Categories: Anger, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Family, Relationships | Tags: | 1 Comment

P!nk – “Eventually”

This is totally how I’m feeling right now.  People just wants to use me for something…most likely their entertainment as they mess with my head.  I’m not worried, they’ll get their’s…and I hope I’m there.  This is dedicated to those folks in VA.  You know who you are.  LMACO

Lyrics are below.



I am an opportunity and I knock so softly
Sometimes I get loud when I wish everybody’d just
get off me
So many players you’d think I was a ball game
Its every man for themself, there are no
team mates
This life gets lonely when everybody wants
This might have been your fate
But they’ll get their’s eventually 
And I hope I’m there 

Surrounded by familiar faces without names
None of them know me or want to share my pain
And they only wish to bask in my light, then fade
To win my love, to them a game
To watch me live my life in pain
When all is done and the glitter fades, fades
They’ll get their’s eventually 
And I hope I’m there

I drank your poison cuz you told me its wine
Shame on you if you fool once
Shame on me if you fool me twice
I didn’t know the price
You’ll get yours eventually

So what good am I to you if I can’t be broken? 
You’ll get yours, yes you’ll get yours 

Categories: Anger, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Dissociation, Family, Music, Parenting, Relationships, Sexual Abuse | Tags: | Leave a comment

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