Crazy Jay told me this morning that he had arranged for his therapist (who is also a Federal Agent) to see us as a couple on Thursday evening. The more I think about it, the more anxious I am about it. This woman is Jay’s therapist. I haven’t even MET her. I just know that I’m going to go in, and it’s going to be an intervention. Therapist Lady will say she’s learned from Jay that I’m addicted to bitchiness, and I need to cut it out or seek help.
Seriously, though, I do feel like I’m going to get ganged up on. Two people to tell me how I’m failing at everything I try. How I need to do better, despite the fact that I honestly feel like I’m doing the best I can at the moment.
I also feel like I’m going to have to PROVE myself to this woman. I’m going to have to PROVE that I really have the issues that I KNOW I have. I’m going to have to give her details about my diagnosis and my past abuse. She’ll question me about self-harm, and then give me a nice long lecture. I am going to have to explain why I think the way I do and why I act the way I do and why I say the things I do.
I know that this session is not about ME, and it really sounds like I’m making it about ME. I know this is about US and how Jay and I can better communicate and have an awesome marriage even with all the baggage and crazy issues we bring to the table. I’m just nervous. And anxious. And scared.
Not to mention that I have to go meet a new person! I have to talk to her! I have to seem engaging and smart and funny and nice. I have to be able to speak in coherent sentences. I have to go act for an hour. I am going to have to pretend that I am not completely uncomfortable and freaking out as I sit in her leather chair, looking at her across the desk. This is going to be an exhausting hour that I am not looking forward to.