I Smell an Ambush


Crazy Jay told me this morning that he had arranged for his therapist (who is also a Federal Agent) to see us as a couple on Thursday evening.  The more I think about it, the more anxious I am about it.  This woman is Jay’s therapist.  I haven’t even MET her.  I just know that I’m going to go in, and it’s going to be an intervention.  Therapist Lady will say she’s learned from Jay that I’m addicted to bitchiness, and I need to cut it out or seek help.

Seriously, though, I do feel like I’m going to get ganged up on.  Two people to tell me how I’m failing at everything I try.  How I need to do better, despite the fact that I honestly feel like I’m doing the best I can at the moment.

I also feel like I’m going to have to PROVE myself to this woman.  I’m going to have to PROVE that I really have the issues that I KNOW I have.  I’m going to have to give her details about my diagnosis and my past abuse.  She’ll question me about self-harm, and then give me a nice long lecture.  I am going to have to explain why I think the way I do and why I act the way I do and why I say the things I do.

I know that this session is not about ME, and it really sounds like I’m making it about ME.  I know this is about US and how Jay and I can better communicate and have an awesome marriage even with all the baggage and crazy issues we bring to the table.  I’m just nervous.  And anxious.  And scared.

Not to mention that I have to go meet a new person!  I have to talk to her!  I have to seem engaging and smart and funny and nice.  I have to be able to speak in coherent sentences.  I have to go act for an hour.  I am going to have to pretend that I am not completely uncomfortable and freaking out as I sit in her leather chair, looking at her across the desk.  This is going to be an exhausting hour that I am not looking forward to.

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Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Marriage, Mental Illness, Panic Attack, PTSD, Relationships, Self Harm, Stress | 5 Comments

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5 thoughts on “I Smell an Ambush

  1. Mandi

    AHH!!! I would be a bit nervous! I really don’t think you’ll be ganged up on. I really don’t. J seems to tell it like it is. I think it’ll end up being good. Probably exhausting, but I hope it’ll mean growth for you both! (look, I’m a poet) If she’s mean just punch her in the face and claim insanity. Just a backup plan. (sorry J. Kind of) 🙂

    • Hello Mandi! First, hells yaeh, I “tell it like it is.” I ain’t askeered! My GAME is BOLD and, if I am telling someone about it, then they should know right off there is nothing they can do about it. I don’t “set people up.” I look in their face and say, “OH, I am gonna getcha and THIS is how. Stop me if you can.” So far, UNDEFEATED! Oh yeah…oh yeah… I wanna kiss myself!

      Actually, I was pissed at my doc when she suggested a Couples session. I believe my exact words were, “Fuck Meg. You are MY shrink. You need to help ME get my head around this.” She said, “Well, if i only hear ONE side, I really can’t be FAIR and HELP you. You DO want me to HELP you, right?’ Through gritted teeth i said, “yes…. you know I hate yo, right?’ “You don’t hate me.” “Well, you rightly piss me off, you know.” “I know. That’s why you pay me, right?” “I changed my mind. I really do hate you.”

      Second, be careful telling Meg to punch someone in the face. You haven’t seen Punchy, a neat little keyring I bought her that is GUARANTEED to poke a couple of holes whereever it hit. I tell you, I have her so “strapped up” in self-defense that I wonder if maybe she couldn’t kick MY ass!

      DO NOT ADVOCATE VIOLENCE… and send brownies.

      BTW, the only times I can respond are early in the morning (when the satellite is out of range) and in the middle of the night. In the middle of the night meg is sleeping….. and she can’t hear my thoughts when she is asleep.

      Did I mention that I am in desperate need of brownies….no nuts please. we have enough NUTS here already!

  2. themonsterslife

    Keep in mind that J loves you, and would never hurt you. I’m fairly certain he knows how you feel about this session. And if you feel like you cant keep all your personal crazy inside, well she’s a therapist, let it out, she’s seen worse. More than anything, be yourself. Don’t let your brain bully you into showing off someone who isn’t the awesome and real you. That’s the lady J loves x

  3. I’ll be honest enough to tell you the REAL truth here. When I first (yes, I read the comments on meg’s blog WITH HER KNOWLEDGE AND PERMISSION because… well…. lol..she knows i won’t “get stupid” and, if i do, she had NO PROBLEM deleting me. LOL. Anyway, when I saw what you said I just started to laugh, but rather uncomfortably. My initial thought was to fire back something WHOOPish, accusing YOU PEOPLE of “knowing me too well” and threatening to do something CRAZY just to throw the SnapperHeads off my trail… WHOOP!

    I decided not to do that. Instead, i want to thank you. My initial reaction, and it was simply a reaction, is because I often use humor to deflect anything that anyone says that could be GOOD about me. First of all, I don’t really believe I am “good.” Secondly, if you think I am “good” then I will surely disappoint you and I am SICK of disappointing people.

    Fact is, though… for all my WHOOPishness, thank you for seeing that I really do love Meg and, though I sometimes do not like her very much (bit of an understatement there), she is My Girl, we are HOMETEAM.

    Thank you for perceiving me. I know…that sounds weird…or maybe just a little CRAAAaaaaaAAAAAAaaaZZZy? Naw…I ain’t CRAZY. I am eccentric.

  4. You NICEY NICEYs…. you don’t even know. Meg is not the one who will be ambushed. I will be the ambushee. My FFA will see how NICE she is and then the worm will turn on ME. Oh, I know it. Wait and see.

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