Monthly Archives: May 2013

Maybe Yoga Will Be Next

Last night Crazy Jay and I had another session with our “new age chick” therapist.  I learned that the Emotional Freedom Technique, which I still do not know a TON about, is not just for anger.  Jay has been using it for anger this past week.  I learned last night it can be used for any distressful or unwanted emotion.  I’m looking forward to trying it throughout this week.  It seems like this form of acupressure can be very helpful.  Our therapist explained that, the more you do it, the more layers of negative emotions you will pull away, exposing what is underneath.  It may be painful, but it is necessary to confront all the negative emotions and past experiences in order to help get past it.  That’s what I ultimately want:  I want to be able to get past all the shit from my life that’s been dragging me down.  And I KNOW that what she says about this has merit.  I just remember how much better I felt when I ejected all the negative people from my life.  I immediately felt uplifted and like a weight had been removed from my shoulders.  When you remove the negative emotions, experiences, and people from your life, you make room for the positive emotions, experiences, and people that will help you to live a full and satisfying life.

I also learned that I apologize way too much.  Our therapist said that this week I need to focus on only apologizing for the things I am actually at fault for.  She said that my constant apologies when I don’t believe them are incongruent to my “soul”.  She said that constant apologizing when one is not at fault is one of the many things that can lead a person into depression.  I know that I FEEL less than.  I FEEL like I am wrong.  I FEEL like I need to apologize all the time…So I do.  Jay shared last night that my constant apologizing makes him feel badly, which I was not aware of.

My assignment for this week has started off a little rocky.  So far I’ve found myself apologizing about 20 gazillion times since last night.  As soon as I catch myself apologizing (And, so far, for nothing that’s my fault!), I laugh at my silliness.  I may not be able to stop myself yet, but at least I’m able to notice when I’m apologizing unnecessarily.  It hasn’t even been 24 hours since I was given this assignment, so I’m confident I’ll get there.

This weekend we are going to try aromatherapy.  I think I am going to choose a citrusy scent and the good ole stand by:  lavender.  I hear that lemon or orange are good for depression, and seem to instantly make you perk up a little bit.  Lavender is good for sleeping and relaxation, and I need a way to work on both.

I was raised in an atmosphere that looked down on Eastern practices.  I was taught to be skeptical and dismissive of them.  I struggle a little with thinking what I’m doing can’t possibly work.  Reality seems to be quieting that voice, though.  The few things Jay and I have tried seem to work.  I am able to reconcile the practices with my personal spiritual beliefs, so I’m trying hard to remember that what I was taught is not necessarily the correct thing.  Here’s a heart attack inducing statement for a few reading this…Maybe next I’ll try my hand at meditating with quiet drums in the background or yoga.  LMCAO

Categories: Anger, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Depression, Marriage, Mental Illness, Therapy | Tags: , | 6 Comments

Any Child in My Shoes

I mentioned in my last post that Jay and I have been seeing a therapist together.  I also mentioned that she is a little new agey-ish.  Jay says that she focuses on Eastern philosophy, and that is probably a better, more accurate way of explaining her style.  We are going back to see her again tonight.  When we were talking with her last week, though, she mentioned something that I’ve been ruminating on since.  She said that my mother would have treated any child in my place the same way she treated me.  That it is not ME, personally, that my mother had a problem with.  Any middle child under her care would have received the same treatment.  The problem is with my mother…NOT with me.

At first I didn’t believe my therapist.  I completely balked at the idea that it was not MY fault that I was treated badly as a child.  My entire life I have felt like the problem (ALL problems) are inherently my fault.  The “new age chick”, as Crazy Jay calls her, gave me an example.  Her father is an alcoholic.  She told me that her father is not an alcoholic because SHE was a bad child, or because there was something wrong with HER.  Her father is an alcoholic because there is something wrong with HIM.  I am so glad she gave that example.  When things are stated to me in an impersonal manner, I have an easier time believing and understanding them than if something is applied to me personally.

I am trying to keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with ME.  I am trying to remember that the reason I act and feel the way I do is because of the things imposed on me from birth through the very recent past by my birth family.  I am trying to get past everything, and “unpack my backpack” as the “new age chick” said at our first session.  I’m carrying a lot of crap in my backpack.  I’ve probably got about five or six backpacks I’m trying to juggle.  Hopefully as Jay and I continue to talk to her, and put some of her ideas into practice, things will continue to get better.  Both with just me individually, and with Jay and I as a couple.

She has already recommended a few things that seem to be working.  Jay is trying his hand at the Emotional Freedom Technique which is all about tapping your pressure points when feeling stressed.  We are also trying to do some of the massaging with oils she recommended.  It has helped me SO MUCH in feeling more relaxed.  This weekend we will be picking out some essential oils to use for aromatherapy.  I am very excited about this woman’s methods.  Medication hasn’t seemed to help either Jay or myself.  Talking helped me moderately, but didn’t seem to really help Jay at all.  We aren’t doing anything that is going to compromise our religious/spiritual beliefs, but there is so much of Eastern philosophy that can be beneficial.  I am eager to learn more.

Categories: Abuse, Anger, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Marriage, Stress, Therapy | Tags: , | 4 Comments

Negativity = Unhappiness

I was sitting in my car on my lunch break, wondering why I am so negative all the time.  Why am I so inclined to notice, focus on, and mention other’s faults and flaws?  The obvious reason is that’s what my upbringing taught me.  That’s what I’ve learned.  My mother had no qualms mentioning to me that I needed to desperately pluck my eyebrows.  She would regularly mention to my brother, in front of family members and strangers alike, that he needed to do a better job washing his face.  She was constantly telling my siblings and I what was “wrong” with us and how we needed to improve.  She shined a mega-watt spotlight on all “imperfections”.  No “defect” was excluded.  I was chided for my hair, my clothing, my nail polish (“only whores wear red”), the smell of my feet, my weight, my teeth…Anything that didn’t rise up to meet her impossible standards of what “should” be was subjected to her scrutiny.  No wonder I’m so quick to point out anything less than perfect about Crazy Jay.  LMCAO (Remember?  That stands for “laughing my crazy ass off”)

I think another possible reason I may focus on the flaws of others (and constantly point them out to some) is to bring them down to my level.  I think I am worthless.  I think I am nothing.  I think I am extraneous.  If I fixate on the problems and blemishes of others, not only does that take the attention off of MY problems and blemishes, it makes me feel more of equal.  It levels the playing field.  I don’t have to feel so inferior if I just think about all the crappy parts of the other person.  I don’t have to worry about being a piece of trash because, look!  You’re trash, too!

Jay and I tried out a therapist last night.  She tends to use what I would consider a more new-agey approach to life and therapy.  She focuses on pressure points, aroma therapy, and meditation.  She believes that negativity harms your mind and your body, and that it is manifested physically in your body.  She talked about how changing negative thoughts and getting rid of your past baggage (through a lot of hard work) can help to encourage happiness in your life.  I think there may just be something to what she says.  She said she has learned that talk therapy and medication can’t always help everything.  Sometimes one needs to approach things from a non-traditional route.  Jay and I certainly are “non-traditional” people.

I think she is going to be very helpful; both to Jay and myself as a couple, and to each of us individually.  We each have homework for this week.  My homework is to start writing down things that give me a glimmer of happiness, since I mentioned that a goal I have is to feel happy or satisfied with something…anything.  She asked me what makes me happy, and I just didn’t know what to tell her.  I can list some things that are acceptable to pass the time when I have some to spare, but that’s not happiness.  Those aren’t hobbies I enjoy.  Just things I do to get to the next minute.

Our therapist is kooky.  Jay referred to her as a “wakadoo”.  He and I both agree, though, that it’s going to take a special kind of crazy to give us the help we need.  All other therapists fell short.  I think this one may just be nutty enough to help us feel better about ourselves, and, in turn, to help our marriage to thrive.

Categories: Abuse, Anger, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Marriage, Relationships, Therapy | Tags: , | 3 Comments

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