Any Child in My Shoes


I mentioned in my last post that Jay and I have been seeing a therapist together.  I also mentioned that she is a little new agey-ish.  Jay says that she focuses on Eastern philosophy, and that is probably a better, more accurate way of explaining her style.  We are going back to see her again tonight.  When we were talking with her last week, though, she mentioned something that I’ve been ruminating on since.  She said that my mother would have treated any child in my place the same way she treated me.  That it is not ME, personally, that my mother had a problem with.  Any middle child under her care would have received the same treatment.  The problem is with my mother…NOT with me.

At first I didn’t believe my therapist.  I completely balked at the idea that it was not MY fault that I was treated badly as a child.  My entire life I have felt like the problem (ALL problems) are inherently my fault.  The “new age chick”, as Crazy Jay calls her, gave me an example.  Her father is an alcoholic.  She told me that her father is not an alcoholic because SHE was a bad child, or because there was something wrong with HER.  Her father is an alcoholic because there is something wrong with HIM.  I am so glad she gave that example.  When things are stated to me in an impersonal manner, I have an easier time believing and understanding them than if something is applied to me personally.

I am trying to keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with ME.  I am trying to remember that the reason I act and feel the way I do is because of the things imposed on me from birth through the very recent past by my birth family.  I am trying to get past everything, and “unpack my backpack” as the “new age chick” said at our first session.  I’m carrying a lot of crap in my backpack.  I’ve probably got about five or six backpacks I’m trying to juggle.  Hopefully as Jay and I continue to talk to her, and put some of her ideas into practice, things will continue to get better.  Both with just me individually, and with Jay and I as a couple.

She has already recommended a few things that seem to be working.  Jay is trying his hand at the Emotional Freedom Technique which is all about tapping your pressure points when feeling stressed.  We are also trying to do some of the massaging with oils she recommended.  It has helped me SO MUCH in feeling more relaxed.  This weekend we will be picking out some essential oils to use for aromatherapy.  I am very excited about this woman’s methods.  Medication hasn’t seemed to help either Jay or myself.  Talking helped me moderately, but didn’t seem to really help Jay at all.  We aren’t doing anything that is going to compromise our religious/spiritual beliefs, but there is so much of Eastern philosophy that can be beneficial.  I am eager to learn more.

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Categories: Abuse, Anger, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Marriage, Stress, Therapy | Tags: , | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Any Child in My Shoes

  1. That is so true, Grasshopper! Now reach into my pocket and see if you can take the stone.

  2. Besides…. at least you had shoes. When I was a kid we had to wrap our feet with old newspaper and walk 8 miles to and home from school….8 miles… in the snow… uphill BOTH WAYS!

  3. And, I will say authoritatively… TALKING is for SISSIES! REAL MEN tap their face and repeat reaffirming thoughts. YEAH!

  4. Mandi

    I read Jay’s last post, I hope the last session went well! I’m glad you feel like you’re getting something from it too.

    The thought that your mother, other mothers fathers etc… would have treated any child the same way isn’t something I’ve thought about. I don’t want to be a cookie cutter daughter for sure… but I was for a long time and things were different. I still had parents and my kids grandparents. But then I had to go and crash and ruin the family reputation. I know I needed to stop spending my life pleasing them. But whether or not they would treat another child, especially one without BPD, the same way is a hard question to answer. I guess it doesn’t matter so much as I, and I know you as well, don’t want to be the daughter our messed up mothers want us to be! Definitely something to think about.

    I’ve missed you guys 🙂

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