Monthly Archives: June 2013

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Categories: Anger, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Family, God, Marriage, Mental Illness, Parenting, Relationships | Enter your password to view comments.

Upcoming Excitement

Crazy Jay and I have an exciting month next month.  Not only is it his 40 – mumble mumble birthday, but our 10 year anniversary is also in July.  We have never really been able to do much for our anniversary.  I don’t think we’ve done anything more than cards for birthdays.  This year, however, God has blessed us so that we are able to celebrate BOTH.

I am planning a surprise for Jay’s birthday.  I think I am more excited for his birthday than he is!  I am so happy to be able to do this for him.  He has no idea what it is, and I am not giving ANY hints here, either.  I’ve set it up so that this birthday surprise is going to happen with a co-worker of mine that Jay has become very close to.  This dude seems to actually GET Jay, and helps him calm down somewhat.

For our anniversary…TEN YEARS!!!  We are renting a cabin on a 60 acre farm that sits on one large pond, and has another smaller pond on the property.  There will be NO ONE around.  We will have the pond to ourselves to fish, swim, canoe, whatever.  We’ll have a fire pit outside and a large stone fire place inside.  When I called the owners yesterday to reserve the cabin for three nights next month, he told me that the pictures I saw online don’t even begin to do the property justice.  He also said he is a masseuse and has an office in town or can come to the cabin, but that’s another weird story.

I think it’s really helping both Jay and myself to have something to look forward to.  It makes us look into the future at the fun things we are going to do as opposed to wallowing in our depression.  It also helps me take my mind of my stressful as-of-late job, and it gets Jay thinking about doing something other than sitting in a dark hotel room listening to Pink Floyd and begging for brownies.

Also, tomorrow evening I have gotten us tickets to go to some professional wrestling event that is coming to town.  The tickets we have allow us to go to the event two hours early and meet some of the wrestlers.  Jay has been loving wrestling since he was a young child, so I was excited to find out about this event and be able to purchase tickets for him.

I have been feeling better since we have been getting out and doing things.  We went to the Columbus Zoo a few weeks ago, and last weekend we got to go out on the lake on a pontoon boat.  That, combined with the excitement of these upcoming events is doing a lot to pull me out of my funk.  Hopefully I can hold onto these positive feelings for a while and not slip back down into the depression that doesn’t seem to want to completely let go of me.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depression, Friendship, Marriage, Mental Illness, Relationships, Stress | Tags: | 1 Comment

Limited By My Scars

For the first time in a long time, I have been wanting to wear a bathing suit.  Not because I think I’ll look fantastic in it.  I won’t.  But I can get past that.  Over the weekend a few people I work with, Crazy Jay, and myself went to a huge lake and rented a pontoon boat for the day.  It would have been nice to get in the water.  The weather was beautiful.  It wasn’t terribly hot, but even with the luke-warm sun beating down on me, I thought the water would feel very pleasant.  My co-workers are now talking about going white water rafting.  I was able to avoid the swimsuit issue on the boat this weekend.  My female boss didn’t feel comfortable revealing herself (I assume that was the reason), so neither of us swam.  I think I will not be able to pass on a swimsuit when I go white water rafting without bringing attention to myself.  I will look and feel quite foolish riding down the river in capris and a t-shirt.

The thing I cannot get past, the thing that prevents me from putting on a swimsuit anytime soon (and possibly ever), are the scars covering my thighs, calves, and shoulders.  I may have been able to ignore the scars on my calves.  Jay says they can barely be seen (though I disagree!).  I may have been able to ignore the scars on my shoulders.  I could claim some “childhood injury” that I don’t want to discuss.  The ones I absolutely cannot ignore, however, are the scars covering my left and right thighs.  I flinch when I see my left thigh in the mirror.  The scars are so long and dark, it makes me think of a leopard or cheetah’s spots.  Even if I tried to wear shorts with a swim suit, I would have to wear looong shorts that come down to the top of my knees.

It makes me sad to think I can’t wear or do certain things because of the ways I’ve felt it necessary to punish myself in the past.  I’m not complaining:  I know I did this to myself.  I know I have no one to blame but me.  I’m hoping they will fade with time.  I don’t know how much time it will take, though.  Until then, I suppose I will have to find creative ways to be on the water while being fully dressed at the same time.  It seems that I have more opportunity to be involved in aqua activities here.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Cutting, Mental Illness, Self Harm, Self-Injury | Tags: , | 2 Comments

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