Limited By My Scars


For the first time in a long time, I have been wanting to wear a bathing suit.  Not because I think I’ll look fantastic in it.  I won’t.  But I can get past that.  Over the weekend a few people I work with, Crazy Jay, and myself went to a huge lake and rented a pontoon boat for the day.  It would have been nice to get in the water.  The weather was beautiful.  It wasn’t terribly hot, but even with the luke-warm sun beating down on me, I thought the water would feel very pleasant.  My co-workers are now talking about going white water rafting.  I was able to avoid the swimsuit issue on the boat this weekend.  My female boss didn’t feel comfortable revealing herself (I assume that was the reason), so neither of us swam.  I think I will not be able to pass on a swimsuit when I go white water rafting without bringing attention to myself.  I will look and feel quite foolish riding down the river in capris and a t-shirt.

The thing I cannot get past, the thing that prevents me from putting on a swimsuit anytime soon (and possibly ever), are the scars covering my thighs, calves, and shoulders.  I may have been able to ignore the scars on my calves.  Jay says they can barely be seen (though I disagree!).  I may have been able to ignore the scars on my shoulders.  I could claim some “childhood injury” that I don’t want to discuss.  The ones I absolutely cannot ignore, however, are the scars covering my left and right thighs.  I flinch when I see my left thigh in the mirror.  The scars are so long and dark, it makes me think of a leopard or cheetah’s spots.  Even if I tried to wear shorts with a swim suit, I would have to wear looong shorts that come down to the top of my knees.

It makes me sad to think I can’t wear or do certain things because of the ways I’ve felt it necessary to punish myself in the past.  I’m not complaining:  I know I did this to myself.  I know I have no one to blame but me.  I’m hoping they will fade with time.  I don’t know how much time it will take, though.  Until then, I suppose I will have to find creative ways to be on the water while being fully dressed at the same time.  It seems that I have more opportunity to be involved in aqua activities here.

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Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Cutting, Mental Illness, Self Harm, Self-Injury | Tags: , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Limited By My Scars

  1. You are so brave to write about your disorder – it saddens me, though, that you are looking at this as if you are the proverbial ‘Leper’… First of all, I go white water rafting and a t-shirt and capris are right up my alley (cellulite… ). You are taking care of you and that’s excellent. Psha! with everybody else! You and your family are what matter most. Bottom line, you are a brave sole who continues the fight of discovery; I commend you. We all have scars that we are hiding… the fact that yours are visible does make it harder, but could be helpful to someone else in pain. At any rate, it is nobody’s business but your own, unless you wish it. You inspire me and so many others.

    Blessings –

    Nora

    P.S. You could use a sarong… just a thought for the lake or beach.

  2. Mandi

    I won’t wear a suit without shorts. And usually a tank top. One made for water. 🙂 Cellulite is also a big problem for me. And under arm fat. And the fact that my legs don’t tan, etc… We go rafting a lot. As far as scars, I just tell people I have a bad habit. What are they going to say to that? 🙂 Gypsy one time was talking about how our scars are like proof that we’ve been through fire and are still here, not something we should be ashamed of. I try to remember that. I haven’t really overcome cutting but it sounds like you have and that’s a big thing! Bigger than most realize I think. When we walk into expensive stores I tell the girls not to act shocked at prices, we aren’t below any of the people there just because I would rather pay $6.99 at Goodwill for the same thing at Buckle for $189. Maybe you could ACT like it’s not a big deal. I bet it would be less of a big deal to others then. And maybe eventually you’ll see that it’s ok too. I dunno. Just my very inexperienced take. 🙂 Glad you guys got out and are planning fun stuff!!

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