For the first time in a long time, I have been wanting to wear a bathing suit. Not because I think I’ll look fantastic in it. I won’t. But I can get past that. Over the weekend a few people I work with, Crazy Jay, and myself went to a huge lake and rented a pontoon boat for the day. It would have been nice to get in the water. The weather was beautiful. It wasn’t terribly hot, but even with the luke-warm sun beating down on me, I thought the water would feel very pleasant. My co-workers are now talking about going white water rafting. I was able to avoid the swimsuit issue on the boat this weekend. My female boss didn’t feel comfortable revealing herself (I assume that was the reason), so neither of us swam. I think I will not be able to pass on a swimsuit when I go white water rafting without bringing attention to myself. I will look and feel quite foolish riding down the river in capris and a t-shirt.
The thing I cannot get past, the thing that prevents me from putting on a swimsuit anytime soon (and possibly ever), are the scars covering my thighs, calves, and shoulders. I may have been able to ignore the scars on my calves. Jay says they can barely be seen (though I disagree!). I may have been able to ignore the scars on my shoulders. I could claim some “childhood injury” that I don’t want to discuss. The ones I absolutely cannot ignore, however, are the scars covering my left and right thighs. I flinch when I see my left thigh in the mirror. The scars are so long and dark, it makes me think of a leopard or cheetah’s spots. Even if I tried to wear shorts with a swim suit, I would have to wear looong shorts that come down to the top of my knees.
It makes me sad to think I can’t wear or do certain things because of the ways I’ve felt it necessary to punish myself in the past. I’m not complaining: I know I did this to myself. I know I have no one to blame but me. I’m hoping they will fade with time. I don’t know how much time it will take, though. Until then, I suppose I will have to find creative ways to be on the water while being fully dressed at the same time. It seems that I have more opportunity to be involved in aqua activities here.