The Aftermath of My First Flashback

I had my first flashback of sexual abuse/assault/attack last night.  It was horrible.  I’m still shaken up from it.  Maybe I’ll write about it later.  I just don’t know.  I could barely tell Jay about it.

Speaking of Jay, I would like to retract my blog from yesterday, where I said I don’t feel loved or like I matter.  Things have been rough off and on lately with us.  Plus, I have borderline personality disorder.  You know, feeling things too much and all that black and white bullshit.  I do sometimes feel like I don’t matter as much as I’d like to, but, after last night, I definitely feel loved.

While I was lying on the bed, sobbing and crying, feeling like I had just been raped, Jay had his arms around me.  Tight.  He was hanging on to me to let me know he was there for me.  He kept telling me how much he loved me, and that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and it wasn’t my fault.  He was absolutely perfect and exactly what I needed after experiencing that flashback.  I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t been there.

Categories: Abuse, Anger, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Dissociation, Marriage, Mental Illness, Sexual Abuse | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “The Aftermath of My First Flashback

  1. I am just glad I could be there for you in the right way. I DO love you and you matter more than I could ever truly show you, but I plan on trying my saddlebag-ass off.

  2. Mandi

    I read your last post last night and was trying to comment on my phone but it wasn’t working out so well. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so bad. I feel like I can relate to some. When my own family (excluding Mark and my brother) doesn’t love me (or show they love me), I have a hard time believing anyone does or should. And then that leads to why the hell I’m sticking around when I just cause problems for the few who HAVE stuck by me! A lot of times I feel completely worthless. If SO many people think I am, why shouldn’t I as well? Definitely a lot of ups and downs. Anger to depression mostly. I’m so sad that you’ve been feeling that way. I’ve really looked up to you, how you’ve dealt with your family. I know it’s been really hard.

    Flashback… oh man I’m sorry Meg! My first was especially bad. I think because I wasn’t sure I would get “out” if you know what I mean. I know everyone experiences flashbacks differently. They are not at ALL what I thought. It’s not “like” real, it IS real. Absolutely terrifying. I hope you don’t have to deal with more.

    Anyway, thinking about you!

  3. I SOOO wish my husband could hold me like that when I emotionally crumble.

    I’m sorry about your abuse. It must have been horrible to remember it. Hugs.

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