I had my first flashback of sexual abuse/assault/attack last night. It was horrible. I’m still shaken up from it. Maybe I’ll write about it later. I just don’t know. I could barely tell Jay about it.
Speaking of Jay, I would like to retract my blog from yesterday, where I said I don’t feel loved or like I matter. Things have been rough off and on lately with us. Plus, I have borderline personality disorder. You know, feeling things too much and all that black and white bullshit. I do sometimes feel like I don’t matter as much as I’d like to, but, after last night, I definitely feel loved.
While I was lying on the bed, sobbing and crying, feeling like I had just been raped, Jay had his arms around me. Tight. He was hanging on to me to let me know he was there for me. He kept telling me how much he loved me, and that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and it wasn’t my fault. He was absolutely perfect and exactly what I needed after experiencing that flashback. I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t been there.