Monthly Archives: August 2013

Reaching Out to Little Meg


Crazy Jay and I met with our therapist last night.  I’ve been calling her “new age therapist”, or something like that.  I think I’m going to change to “unconventional”, instead.  Anyway, we were talking about how a lot of the issues Jay and I both have now are a result of things done to us throughout childhood.  Unconventional Therapist was telling us that we need to go back and heal our inner child so that our adult selves can be healed.  Now, this is the kind of thing that I used to think was complete B.S.  “Heal your inner child”?  Gimme a break!!  What kind of mumbo-jumbo is that?  Just be an adult and deal with this!!

Of course, that could be (and probably is) the voice of the fuckers who raised me.  They didn’t believe in therapy.  They weren’t convinced of the legitimacy of They looked down on people with mental disorders, telling me that if I was depressed, it’s because I “wasn’t trusting God enough”.  That’s nice.  And so helpful.  Way to make a person who already feels shitty into even MORE of a failure.

Moving on…

I think Unconventional Therapist is absolutely right that Jay and I need to heal our inner child.  I mean, the way we react to things now is directly related to our experiences in childhood.  Jay tells me all the time he feels like a financial burden, even though I keep telling him to shut his whore mouth.  I have never thought of him as a burden, and I hope I don’t ACT like I think he’s a burden.  It clicked for us last night, though, that Jay’s father always made money an issue when Jay was growing up.  His father was constantly talking about how much things that Jay needed cost.  No wonder he now sees that he is using money and not putting any in the kitty, so he equates that with being a burden.

My distaste of being touched stems from my childhood sexual abuse.  I feel hands on me now and essentially think I am a child, being abused and touched against my will.  Of course, that is not a conscious thought, but that is why I don’t like hands on me now.  The thoughts, feelings and ideas we have reinforced as children come out when we’re adults.  I have so many more examples of how things in childhood shape my thoughts and actions now, but I think I’ve made my point.

Jay told Unconventional Therapist that he didn’t know how to heal his inner child.  That he didn’t even know what this looked like.  I’ve had several weeks to digest the “heal your inner child” thing, but this may be the first time Jay tried to apply it to himself.  I told him that his inner child and my inner child (Little Jay and Little Meg) should have a play date this week.  Do something childlike and silly.  I suggested going to a playground and swinging.  The teeter-tooter would be fun, too!  Unconventional Therapist suggested we may like to try some art projects since we both thought coloring in coloring books would be enjoyable.  Art projects may be too lofty of a goal, but I could sure mess around with some Play-Dough!!

This week Jay and I are both going to focus on “going back” and taking care of Little Jay and Little Meg.  Unconventional Therapist said our goal is to “go back”, “pick up” our little inner selves, and tell him or her that we will protect them.  That we are there to take care of them.  We aren’t terribly sure how to attempt that quite yet, but apparently the first step is doing activities our inner child would enjoy…hence the play date.  It was also suggested that we go to the children’s section of the library and check out some kid books, but then that would entail brushing elbows with ACTUAL children.

I’m looking forward to letting out Little Meg.  I think this could be fun.  It will be nice to focus on small enjoyable activities throughout the day instead of the many stresses of life.

 

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Daily Life, Depression, Marriage, Mental Illness, PTSD, Stress | 9 Comments

Identity and BPD: so many angles, so little mind…


This is a very good post I found at Half of a Soul. I’ll let it speak for itself.

Half of a Soul - Life with BPD

Image       Lately I’m overwhelmed with ideas to consider/write about/explore in relation to that all-consuming topic of my life: BPD. I know that it’s actually much more important to LIVE a life rather than just spend it looking at life from every possible angle in your mind. Looking at it, analyzing it, considering it from every possible angle is just too exhausting for anyone’s mind, let alone a borderline’s. However, that’s what this post is going to be, in the hopes that venting some of these constant buzzing thoughts regarding the inner life and identity of BPD gets them out for the day (or hour at least).

It hardly needs to be said that, as borderlines, we spend so much damn time thinking this out (well, trying to), questioning everything we do/have done, trying to come up with solutions when ultimately, we don’t even know if we want to…

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Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, DBT, Depression, Health, Life, Mental Illness, Thoughts | Leave a comment

Making Myself Sick


I was watching the horror movie, “Shadow People”, the other day.  It’s a really good, creepy movie.  I’d recommend it!  It is about these shadows that come to your room as you’re drifting off to sleep.  You open your eyes and see the shadows moving, and coming towards you.  You experience paralysis, being able to move only your eyes, and then you die.  As the movie progressed, it was revealed that the people who die at the hands of the “Shadow People” BELIEVE in the “Shadow People”.  Doubters don’t die.  Just the people who believe this “monster” is real.  The number of deaths by the “Shadow People” increased as more people heard and believed these stories.  The movie ended with evidence of the “Shadow People” being suppressed and lied about so as not to create more believers, and more deaths.

There was a woman on the movie (that’s supposedly based on a true story) who drew a parallel between dying at the hands of the “Shadow People”, and taking a placebo.  Your body thinks it is getting medicine, when in fact it has only received a placebo.  Because your mind and body THINK it has medicine to be healed with, the body begins to heal itself.  The people in this movie believed that there were “Shadow People” who would kill them in their sleep, and their minds made it happen.

Now, this is obviously a little far-fetched, but it got me thinking about mental illness.  It made me wonder if we could make ourselves sicker by buying into all the Wikipedia pages about our illness(es), and listening to the negative things people say about us.

I know that when I was reading ALL the blogs on WordPress about borderline personality disorder, I was more focused on the negative aspects of myself and my disorder then when I decided I would only peruse the POSITIVE mental health blogs.  Listening to people talk about what they were going through can be helpful, but it can also be damaging, I think.  While it does help and encourage me to know that I’m not alone in my craziness, and other people know what I’m going through, I also tend to focus so heavily on the negative things they’ve experienced and are feeling.  It’s almost like their emotions and their memories become my own.  I start thinking about the issues other people are having, and think about how it relates to me.  I see that these people have BPD, and I do, too, so I seem to make a leap in my mind.  I cannot just listen and observe what another person is going through – All of a sudden it is ME going through those things.  Focusing on their negativity makes me focus on mine.  I forget to do the things that make me feel good, because all I can think about are bad things.  I take on the bad feelings I’ve read about, and make them my own.

Reading about borderline personality disorder just reinforces all the crap I’m feeling and thinking about myself.  It makes me forget that I am working to get better.  It seems to make me worse.  Crazy Jay has told me for a long time that I am the best student he’s ever seen.  When I thought that I was a psychopath, I read a lot about serial killers and sociopaths/psychopaths.  I started taking on the traits I was reading about.  I convinced myself that I didn’t care about things.  I convinced myself that I didn’t feel.  I convinced myself that I hated the world, and wanted to try my hand at taking out a few people.  Just for the hell of it.

Apparently the same thing happened when I realized I have BPD.  I read about it all the time, and started acting more and more like a crazy chick having a borderline episode (after episode, after episode, after episode).  I noticed that when I started reading more about dermatillomania, the same thing happened again.  I started picking at my scalp more and more.  It’s like knowing about it fed my need to pick at my scabs, just like learning more about BPD turned me into a textbook borderline.

It has taken me a long time to figure this out, but I really think my focus needs to be on HEALING, and not on my symptoms.  I need to worry about filling my day with positive moments.  I need to continue to practice controlling my tone and the nasty things I say.  I need to address the hurt inner child that has never been properly nurtured.  I need to focus on my relationship with my husband.  I do NOT need to read book after book on what it looks like to have borderline personality disorder.  I do NOT need to read blogs that are full of negativity and nothing but complaints about life.  I do NOT need to watch movies that will make me think too deeply on my past.  I do NOT need to visit the Wikipedia page on BPD every other week to check and see if my symptoms are still in line with what they “should” be.

The more I tell myself that it is “normal” for a person with BPD to act the way that I do, the more I’m giving myself permission to act in that way.  If I hear that I can’t get better until later on in life, that the symptoms of borderline personality disorder tend to diminish after the age of 40, then I’m giving myself free reign to only half-ass getting better, at least until I’m closer to 40.  If I keep thinking that I “can’t” do this or that, then that is how I am going to act.  If I have myself convinced that I can’t be pleasant because the BPD has my mind weighed down with anger, sadness, and irritation, then I am not even going to attempt to be kind or gentle.  I need to start focusing on the change I want instead of the bad behaviors I “can’t” get rid of.  I need to stop making myself sick, and start focusing on healing.

Categories: Abuse, Anger, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depression, Dermatillomania, Mental Illness, Therapy | Tags: | 4 Comments

So Funky!!


I thought I would post some uplifting music.  I can’t stop tapping my foot as I’m listening to my Funk station on Pandora.  Just try to not dance!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depression, Mental Illness, Music, Stress | Tags: , , | 3 Comments

The First Cut


The feelings were overwhelming inside.

Building up till I couldn’t contain them.

My emotions warred and my skin prickled.

My flesh was prostrate, begging to be cut.

I couldn’t understand this compulsion.

Never experienced this urge before.

Options appeared to be slice up or die.

Took the first step.  Placed the glass to my skin.

Started off timid, than pushed harder still.

Dragged the shard on my thigh and watched blood bloom.

Blood left my body, as did bad feelings.

My flesh was sacrificed for emotions.

The feelings rushed out.  I found my reprieve.

Relief was temporary, I soon learned.

Shame hit me so hard I couldn’t stand up.

The guilt grabbed my lungs to restrict my breath.

Regret.  Remorse.  Unmarred never again.

Thought it was a one-time thing.  I was wrong.

This desire is holding me captive.

Just when I think it’s gone, it’s back again.

This is to be my albatross for life.

Categories: Anger, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depression, Mental Illness, Poetry, Self Harm, Self-Injury, Thoughts | 8 Comments

About My Next Post


My next post is going to be something completely different from what I usually do.  I am going to post a poem.  On the way into work, I was pondering the first time I engaged in cutting as a way of self harm.  I am posting this FIRST so that no one reads it unless they want to.  I don’t want anyone to be shocked when they open their email.

Also, a little about the format:  I enjoy writing sonnets, but have a hard time writing much else.  Today when starting the upcoming poem, I just wrote sentences that had ten beats, like in a sonnet.  Sorry, I’m not sure what the proper terms are.  Anyway, my thought was that after I got the main sentences out, I could manipulate them so they would rhyme using the form of Shakespearian Sonnets.  After I typed up the sentences, I decided not to worry about rhyming, since that would affect what I was trying to say.

It’s been a looooong time since I’ve written something other than a sonnet.  Quick side notes – I used to write Shakespearian Sonnets in SPANISH.  They rhymed (in Spanish – not when translated) and everything.  Anyway, please be kind if you decide to read my next post.  Please DO NOT READ if you think this will put your safety at risk.

Categories: Anger, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depression, Mental Illness, Poetry, Self Harm, Self-Injury, Thoughts | Leave a comment

Great Idea


I’ve been feeling really low these past few days.  Apparently the solution is to “just snap out of it.”  Damn.  Why didn’t I think of that?

Categories: Abuse, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Depression, Dissociation, Mental Illness, Sexual Abuse | Tags: | 2 Comments

Musings


Sometimes I wish I was the only one to have to deal with me.  The only one to be affected by all the fucked up parts of me.  I wish I didn’t have to see what I do to the one person who loves me.  I think sometimes how nice it would be to be alone, so I don’t have to be the one to cause others hurt, anger, and frustration.  It would be nice to be on my own, and deal with my issues when it’s just me that will be hurt.  When there isn’t pressure for me to change immediately, even though I can’t.  When doing the best I can do is good enough.  I wish I didn’t have the responsibility of caring for another’s feelings.  Of having to meet another’s needs.

On the other hand, I can’t imagine going through this alone.

Categories: Abuse, Anger, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Depression, Marriage, Sexual Abuse, Thoughts | 4 Comments

The Newest Addition to Our Fambly


We got a new puppy!!!  Crazy Jay and I have been watching animal shows lately as a way to help calm ourselves, and keep our stress levels down.  The shows have mainly focused on puppies.  I just couldn’t get over how cute they were!  Jay and I have been talking about getting another dog, and watching the puppy shows just pushed us over the edge.  We started looking in the paper and online for free dogs.  Yesterday we found a puppy on Craigs List.  We think he is a cockipoo, which is a cocker spaniel mixed with a poodle.  There may be something else in there.  He was delivered to Jay yesterday while I was at work.  Jay was sending me pictures all day, and I was so anxious to get home!!  I must say, the pictures barely do this adorable little puppy any justice.  Meet Augustus!

 

AugustusIsn’t he so fucking cute?  I can barely stand it!!!

Augustus 3Augustus 2

So, that’s our new puppy!!  How can you look at that face and feel badly?

Categories: Animals, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depression, Family, Mental Illness, Stress | Tags: , | 9 Comments

Shaky Sense of Self? Check!


Crazy Jay’s birthday was a couple weeks ago.  Actually four days before our anniversary.  I arranged for him and a friend to go rock climbing.  Since I have an intense fear of heights (you have NO idea), I stayed on the ground with Jay’s friend’s wife.  That was interesting.  She is a psychology major.  Working on her Masters, I believe.  While we were sitting on a bench somewhere, she asked me what I’m interested in.  What I like to do for fun.  What activities I enjoy.  My pathetic response still makes me cringe.  “I’m not really sure what I enjoy.  I pretty much let everyone else decide what we’re doing.”  Even worse was when she asked me if I collected anything, and I had to say “no”.  She knows Jay is bat-shit crazy.  Now she thinks I’m a doormat with no opinion, I’m sure.

This has happened one other time.  About a year ago, I was on my way to lunch with my boss.  While we were waiting for the stop light to change, she asked me what I enjoy doing.  What I do in my free time.  Totally blank.  I had no idea what to say.  I’m pretty sure I said something along the lines of, “Hmm, I don’t really know.  I used to read a lot.”  LOL  I’m still palming my face over that one.

I have realized over the past couple weeks that, not only am I not really sure what I like to do, when I DO know something I like (like certain music, a specific restaurant, a type of book, various movies, etc), I am incredibly ashamed of it.  I can be driving around the interstate, blaring my music (whatever fits my mood at the time), and as soon as I get off the highway and onto a smaller road around other cars, I’ll turn the music down.  If my windows are open when I pull up to a stop light and the guy beside me has his windows down, too, my music gets turned down to barely above a whisper.   At work, I used to let music play quietly through my computer.  I could barely hear it, though, because I’ve been too embarrassed to let it play loudly enough for anyone else to hear.  I started wearing earbuds so I don’t have to worry about it.  A few months ago, one of the guys in the office said he was going to turn on music so we could all listen.  He asked ME what kind of music I like.  I didn’t know what to say.  I was so worried I was going to be judged based on what I said!!

I’m afraid to give my opinion about whether or not I like something.  I’m afraid to suggest a movie or a restaurant.  What if I choose the wrong one?  Then it’s MY fault.  What if other people think I’m stupid based on my movie suggestion.  What if I’m ridiculed for the restaurant I want to go to?  What if they think I’m lame for the music I like?

I started doing some research on borderline personality disorder, which is something I haven’t done in almost a year.  It was pretty sobering to read through the Wikipedia page and feel like it was written ABOUT ME.

According to Wikipedia:

“People with BPD have trouble seeing a clear picture of their identity.  In particular, they have a hard time knowing what they value and enjoy.  They are unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs.  This difficulty with knowing who they are and what they value can cause people with BPD to feel that they are empty and lost”

Huh, that sure makes a lot of sense, especially when looking back at my life.  I have never really known what I wanted to do with my life.   I shouldn’t even say “really known”.  I have had no idea.  My “ideal” career has always changed based on what people I had around me at the time.  No to mention that I DON’T know who I am.  I haven’t a clue (Jay, do you have a clue??).  Nothing about me stays the same.  My likes and dislikes change based on which way the wind blows.  I’m not even sure if I DO enjoy things.  I suppose I can look back and say whether or not I enjoyed it, but I have a hard time DURING the event knowing if I’m enjoying myself.  If people around me are having fun, I just copy them.  It’s not until I’m alone later and can reflect on things that I know if what I just did/watched/listened to/ate was something I enjoyed.

Another quote from Wikipedia that applies:

“People with BPD are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, isolation, and perceived failure.”

So, I would guess that I have felt criticized and rejected in the past based on things that I expressed I enjoyed doing.  *gasp*  SHOCKER!!!  My general past has been getting hazy lately, and I can’t think of a specific example (maybe because there are too many?), but I am quite sure that there were many times I was ridiculed and critiqued for my opinion on something, making me now very hesitant to express it, whether it be by letting people know what I like, or engaging in a discussion/debate based on opinions.

I’m not sure how to change these feelings.  I guess now that I’m aware, like with everything else, I can start working on it.  I have to say, though, that compared to all the other  (MANY) issues I’m trying to sort out, this is very very low on my  list of things to work on.  I am trying to adjust the parts of me that hurt other people, and then maybe I’ll move onto the things I do that hurt myself.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Daily Life, Depression, Life, Mental Illness | Tags: , | 2 Comments

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