Sometimes I wish I was the only one to have to deal with me.  The only one to be affected by all the fucked up parts of me.  I wish I didn’t have to see what I do to the one person who loves me.  I think sometimes how nice it would be to be alone, so I don’t have to be the one to cause others hurt, anger, and frustration.  It would be nice to be on my own, and deal with my issues when it’s just me that will be hurt.  When there isn’t pressure for me to change immediately, even though I can’t.  When doing the best I can do is good enough.  I wish I didn’t have the responsibility of caring for another’s feelings.  Of having to meet another’s needs.

On the other hand, I can’t imagine going through this alone.

Categories: Abuse, Anger, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Depression, Marriage, Sexual Abuse, Thoughts | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Musings

  1. It’s always nice having someone who will put up with you. What’s amazing is that they often feel the same way about you! Our struggles my be our own but that doesn’t mean we can’ cherish those we lean on. I’m glad you realize keeping them around is much better and I just hope most days are better than others!

  2. I am alone, more often than not. I no longer have a mate. My second husband divorced me few years back. I have a couple exquisitely fabulous friends who help when they can. So its mostly true my madness is not corrupting someone else’s life and that is good.

    But I sorely miss that level of companionship.

    And I try not to but I can’t help being envious of anyone who has a partner that accepts them.

    • I understand. The grass is always greener, right? Basically, mental health issues SUCK all the way around!

      • Yes, it sure does seem that way. Where is the middle ground? (Just dreaming there)
        And 100% agreed mental issues seriously suck.

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