The First Cut


The feelings were overwhelming inside.

Building up till I couldn’t contain them.

My emotions warred and my skin prickled.

My flesh was prostrate, begging to be cut.

I couldn’t understand this compulsion.

Never experienced this urge before.

Options appeared to be slice up or die.

Took the first step.  Placed the glass to my skin.

Started off timid, than pushed harder still.

Dragged the shard on my thigh and watched blood bloom.

Blood left my body, as did bad feelings.

My flesh was sacrificed for emotions.

The feelings rushed out.  I found my reprieve.

Relief was temporary, I soon learned.

Shame hit me so hard I couldn’t stand up.

The guilt grabbed my lungs to restrict my breath.

Regret.  Remorse.  Unmarred never again.

Thought it was a one-time thing.  I was wrong.

This desire is holding me captive.

Just when I think it’s gone, it’s back again.

This is to be my albatross for life.

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Categories: Anger, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depression, Mental Illness, Poetry, Self Harm, Self-Injury, Thoughts | 8 Comments

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8 thoughts on “The First Cut

  1. Jaen Wirefly

    I understand self-loathing and wanting to get rid of bad emotions quick. I’ve never cut because I’m just too damn into skin care. I’m a real nut job about wearing sunscreen. But if this is something you do to get rid of bad thoughts and it only lasts a couple of seconds then it doesn’t work and never will. You probably understand this intellectually and each time you feel bad something in your head says “OK maybe it will work THIS time.” And it never does. My clue from your cutting is that you need something physical. Something easy and something your motivated to use. But it needs to be safe. Have you used anything in the past that has helped even a little?

    • I’ve recently started wailing away on a heavy bag. It’s not hung up, just leaning against a wall in our second bedroom. It seems to do the trick, though! Helps me get out some aggression, AND I feel the pain I’m looking for. I wish my knuckles bruised up more, but I guess I can deal with the lack of physical evidence. LOL

      • Jaen Wirefly

        Perfect. Kick the shit out of the bag if you need to. Actually, it sounds like a pretty good workout.

      • The bag hasn’t been hung yet since we can’t find an adequate frame for it, so only punching for now. I can’t wait to start kicking, though!! 🙂

  2. You put into words exactly how it feels, before – during – after. Jaen is right in that it will never work for more than those few seconds. And so we become physically scarred by our own hand. It’s a tough spot to be in. Another blogger started tattooing herself with henna temporary ink. Provided the sensation, but isn’t forever. I haven’t tried it, because I haven’t had the urge to cut or burn in months, but am looking for some henna ink to have on hand if/when the urge returns. An albatross it truly is.

    • Thanks for your comment. I’ve never tried henna. I thought it was just a semi-permanent ink you drew with on your skin? I guess not. I’ll have to look into it. I actually haven’t cut in quite a while, though it seems I have the urge more and more these days. I’ve been using a heavy bag, so that helps sometimes.

  3. The Quiet Borderline

    Totally relate 100% to this. The guilt and shame about it after. The feelings all over the place. That it helps. That is doesn’t help. That you say it won’t happen again. Yup.

  4. yes, yes and yes. Can so relate. To be honest, the more I learn about BPD and the further I go into treatment (yes, having done it I now realize it is 100% essential, despite being the most difficult and horrible thing I’ve ever done in many ways), the less I feel the need to cut and haven’t in months now… but the feelings are still there and not always manifesting themselves in ways that are any better than cutting… Please check out my blog if you get a chance/feel any better knowing someone can relate to all these feelings! I feel better reading yours, thank you 🙂

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