I’m starting to think that I’m not cut out to be in any kind of personal relationship with any person (dogs are ok!). This is problematic as I’ve been married for the past 10 years. I can interact with people on a professional level, and I can interact with the check-out girl at Walmart. Other than that, no one should come near me. I do not know how to have an interpersonal relationship. I didn’t have any good examples growing up of how healthy people treat each other. I don’t know how to talk to people without being harsh, demanding, negative, and instructive. I’m told I treat people close to me like employees. Though the people I work with think I’m sweet and quiet LOL. I don’t know how to be open and honestly express my feelings, and what I want, so I come off as sneaky and manipulative. I don’t know how to show affection or be loving, so I come off as cold and uncaring. I don’t know how to have a conversation without offending or being offended, so I tend to keep my mouth shut, which makes me seem withdrawn and aloof. I come off ok on paper or through email. Of course, it takes me more time than most to compose an email. I read over it numerous times to make sure it says what I want, and that I am not coming off in an offensive manner. Too bad that doesn’t work in life or in real time.
Crazy Jay and I have had various marital issues throughout the ten years we’ve been together. I used to think the problems were all his. It wasn’t until he and I sobered up a few years ago that I realized a lot of the problems we have are coming from ME. I don’t want to end my marriage. Not at all. Not even close. I just wish I could snap my fingers and change the old tapes that keep running through my head. I notice some of what I am doing, but still probably not everything. I am told all the time that I am doing and saying things that I don’t think I’m doing or saying. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around something that I absolutely do NOT think I’m doing when the person accusing me is crazier than I am. Then again, what he says makes sense.
I really do not know what to do. I am seeing a therapist, and going through a couple books. I am trying to change as best I can, but it is slow going. REALLY slow going. It seems that no matter what I do that I think is right, and no matter how hard I try to do and say the right thing, I am always wrong. I try “A”, and am told I need to do “B”. I do “B”, and then find out that I’m not doing “B” right. Or, I can do something “technically” right, but because I do not seem to have the appropriate emotional response or feeling to put behind it, I’m wrong again.
I think part of my problem is that I don’t have any good emotional feelings to put behind my actions, making everything seem forced and hollow. I feel so numb and beaten down by life, I don’t have a clue as to how to show the emotion. Not to mention that, a lot of the time, I’m not even FEELING the emotion I should be feeling. I don’t have soft or warm and fuzzy feelings, so I can’t act on them. I don’t even know how to express what I AM feeling. Every time I try to talk about what I am thinking, feeling, or what is going on in my head, it comes out all wrong. I come off as complaining and accusatory, though I don’t know how that happens when I am only talking about myself and not another person. I know that I have stopped expressing myself because it always starts a fight. It doesn’t even feel worth it. It seems it would be better for me to suffer in silence and try to deal with things on my own than cause any more trouble.
Things really do feel hopeless sometimes, though I know that they’re not. It seems that when I don’t try to amend my behavior, I am wrong and that causes a lot of problems. However, when I DO try to amend my behavior, I am still wrong, and still causing a lot of problems. I feel like there’s no point in trying. Why add failure and frustration to my already negative feelings? If I try and am still wrong, why bother trying? Why turn myself into a failure? I feel like I am at an impasse, and I don’t know how to get around it. This life is exhausting me.