Soooo…It would seem that I’m toying with the idea of forgiving “the snapperheads” (as Crazy Jay would say) who screwed me up in the past. This would include everyone that I’m harboring resentment against, but it would start with my parents.
I’m reading “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay. It was recommended to me by my unconventional therapist. I’m not too far into this book, but I feel like it has already changed my attitude about certain things. I’m learning the benefits of self love and positive thinking. “Self love” is hard for a borderline to feel, but there was a brief paragraph in this book that caught my eye.
“Loving the self, to me, begins with never ever criticizing ourselves for anything. Criticism locks us into the very pattern we are trying to change. Understanding and being gentle with ourselves helps us to move out of it. Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
Well, I guess she has a point. I HAVE been incredibly hard on myself all of my life. I don’t particularly like how my life is going right now. Something needs to change. I have tried a lot of things to try and change my thoughts and behaviors, and nothing has really worked. Why not give being nice to myself a try? It couldn’t hurt.
Back to forgiving snapperheads
The thought is that, if one is holding onto anger and resentment, not only can they make themselves physically sick, but they are exerting a lot of unnecessary energy. One keeps the negative energy and emotions in their body, and it just continues to make their life difficult.
Not only that, but expecting perfection from your parents is a sure-fire way to never expect less than perfection from yourself. How can you love yourself and not be critical if you expect yourself to be perfect? I know when I place expectations on myself, I’m constantly kicking myself and feeling like a failure. It’s better to remember that, just like you, your parents are frightened, injured people. They have been damaged in their lifetimes, and are only able to teach their children what they have been taught.
In order to free ourselves from the negative patterns in our life, we need to learn to love ourselves. Before we love ourselves, we must forgive those who have harmed us in the past. Now, I’m still a little leery of this “forgiveness” sticht. I talked to my unconventional therapist about this last night. She cleared a few things up for me that might make this a little bit easier.
Just because you forgive a person does not mean you are saying what happened is ok. You are not condoning their behaviors. You are just making the conscious decision to not spend any time or energy being upset by this person’s actions. The past cannot be changed, but we can change our future by adjusting how we think about things. If we are constantly thinking about how horrible people are, and about the evil things that have been done to us, our lives won’t be very fulfilled. We will hold onto hate and anger, and never flourish into the person we could have been had we been born into a loving environment.
I was also assured that just because one decides to forgive another does not mean that person has to be in their life. I can accept that my parents were raised a certain way, and act a certain way. I can decide that I do not want people who act a certain way to be part of my life. I am not judging them, angry, or hating them, I just do not want the negativity they bring as part of my little world. I can forgive them and work to heal myself without judging them or including them in my life.
I really want to heal from my past. I want my future to be different than where it seems to be headed. I want a full, happy, positive life. It will be difficult for me to show self love. It will be difficult for me to forgive my parents, and keep in mind that that means no pent up anger towards them. It will be difficult for me to focus on the positive, and keep the negative out of my life. It’s difficult, but not impossible. I am committed to being different. I have tried a lot of different things to try and change myself. Nothing’s worked so far. Time to try being nice to myself, and show a little forgiveness.