Monthly Archives: July 2014

I Forgive You


D:

I forgive you for your constant criticisms and put downs of me.  I now know that you hated yourself, and were only able to see the negative aspects of others.  It somehow made your failings and short comings seem smaller.  I understand that making other people feel badly made you feel better.

I forgive you for focusing so much on my weight, even though you filled the house with junk food, sugar, and pizza.  I now know that you had your own issues with food.  You felt better about indulging when I did it with you, and it gave you a chance to unleash the guilt and shame you felt towards yourself onto another.  Somehow, if I overate with you, it made you feel not as bad.  By telling me I was too fat, you were able to safely express the feelings you felt towards yourself.

I forgive you for constantly trying to control and micromanage my life.  I now know that you felt your life had been spiraling out of control for a long, long time.  By clamping down on me, you were able to feel you had a handle on things without making any difficult changes in your life.

I forgive you for making me always feel inferior to everyone and everything.  I now know you struggled with feelings of self-worth, but weren’t strong enough to overcome them.  I understand how that can make a person feel like they’re drowning, and without hope.

I forgive you for making me believe that my thoughts and feelings didn’t matter.  I now know you felt that you didn’t matter, and you had no idea how to express it.  I understand you projected your feelings onto me.  I know how you had been stepped on by life.

I forgive you for making me feel unloved. I now know you had no experience of self-love.  I can also imagine how difficult it was to cope with the fact that your husband preferred your eldest daughter over yourself.  I understand you didn’t feel loved for most of your life, and you felt I had taken the only person who had any chance of really loving you. I forgive you for making it obvious that you favored my siblings over me.  I now know you felt that I received more “love” than I deserved.  I know how that hurt you.  I know you didn’t know what to do.

I forgive you for not protecting me when you should have.  I now know that you, yourself, were a victim of your choices and circumstances.  I understand you were too weak to shield me from the dangers of this world.

I forgive you for making me think all of the above was my fault.  I now know these problems were a direct result of the unresolved issues in your life.  In your soul.  This was always about you, and never about me.  I understand I was a child with no control, and you were the adult.

I forgive you, and I pity you.  I am strong.  I have overcome.  You are not.  You cannot.  You truly are a prisoner.  May you find peace one day.

“I guess we are who we are / Headlights shining in the dark night I drive on…”                                        ~Eminem ‘Headlights’

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Categories: Abuse, Anger, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Family, Healing, Parenting, Therapy, Thoughts | Leave a comment

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