Daily Life

¡Atrapé la Chupacabra!


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Su debilidad es guisantes de azúcar.  (Jay y yo compramos Rosetta Stone para esta Navidad.)

Categories: Animals, Daily Life, Family, Healing, Health, Pictures | Tags: | 1 Comment

You are asking me to swallow the sun…


AWESOME post! Nice reminder that WE are in control, and cannot put the responsibility for our happiness, or the blame for our pain, on other people. Don’t place your expectations on others. Remember that one only has control over their reaction to a situation…not the situation itself. There are valuable lessons to be learned by all in this post. Thank you, rebeccainspiresnow!

Rebecca Inspires Now

“Don’t let me down.” Remember that time when you believed that someone held the answer to your happiness? Remember when you had expectations and people met them? Hopefully you grew up with food, shelter and love. Some of us didn’t get all three at the same time. And it was then that don-don-don-doooooon, we were disappointed!

Thus began the hunt for people you could depend upon and trust. Your best friend. Your teacher. Your first love. Your spouse. And then, they showed their humanity, made mistakes and let you down. Now you are self-reliant and subscribe to the best approach: “I”ll just do it myself, it’s faster/better/easier/safer that way.”

Alas, it’s exhausting to live like that, isn’t it?

Expectations: To paraphrase author Elizabeth Gilbert in her TED talk about the weight of creative genius, she said that expecting someone to take responsibility for that genius is like, “asking someone to…

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Categories: Affirmations, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Healing, Health | Leave a comment

Today’s Affirmation


“I am wonderful and I feel great.  I am grateful for my life.”

I really like this affirmation.  It takes care of three separate issues with only two short sentences.

“I am wonderful…”  This part just makes me smile, and reinforces the good feelings I have towards myself.  If someone told you that you were wonderful, wouldn’t that just make your day?  I don’t discount this statement just because it’s coming from myself.  I am just as important and what I say holds just as much weight as everyone else.  I am wonderful!!

“…and I feel great.”  This helps me keep up not only the good emotional feelings, but also helps me feel physically well.  If I focus on the fact that it’s early, I’m tired, I have a full day ahead, I’ll be bogged down with stress, etc, then I will start to feel poor physically.  My head will start to hurt and my stomach will tie itself in knots.  I believe that a lot of the negative physical things we feel are a direct result of how we feel emotionally, or in our heads, about ourselves.  Think of that old commercial for depression:  “Who does depression hurt?  Everyone.  WHERE does depression hurt?  Everywhere.”  If you feel badly about yourself, your body will start to manifest this physically.

“I am grateful for my life.”  Of course, this sentence helps to remind me of all the blessings I have in my life (my husband, my dogs, my job, my vehicle, my house, food in my belly, money for bills…I could go on and on!).  It’s easy to think about the BAD parts of what should be a blessing:  The car breaking down, the fights with your spouse, the stress at work, the annoying kids, the bills bills bills!  Focusing on the negative parts will make you miss the blessing.  God has blessed me tremendously, and I don’t want to forget it!

I really like affirmations that I feel work on several different levels.  I like to dissect the affirmations I say so that I truly understand what I am saying, what I am believing, and what I am putting out into the world (or the Universe, if you will).  Just saying fluffy, feel-good words over and over won’t do anything.  In order to make affirmations work for you, you have to really understand and believe what you are saying.

I’m going to have a marvelous day today.  I hope everyone else does, too!

Categories: Affirmations, Borderline Personality Disorder, Daily Life, Healing, Health, Life, Mental Illness, Thoughts | Tags: , | 3 Comments

Back from the Borderline


For at least the past four years, I’ve been considered to have borderline personality disorder.  I believe I was showing signs of it many years before, but it’s only been in the past four years that I’ve been diagnosed as such.  As recently as the beginning of August, I was on Wikipedia, comparing my symptoms to those listed in the DSM IV.  After reviewing the criteria for BPD those couple months ago, I reported back to Crazy Jay that I still exhibited about 95% of the symptoms.  I was actually pleased back in August to see that I would still be considered a raging borderline.  I was still crazy.  Whew.  What a relief.  At that time, I believed that if I clung to the borderline personality diagnosis hard enough, I wouldn’t have to do anything to change my behavior.  Don’t get me wrong:  I WANTED to change.  I felt miserable.  My life was chaotic.  I was depressed and contemplating suicide…again.  I had purchased new tools to self harm…again.  My problem was that I didn’t know HOW to change.  In fact, I was at a point where I really thought it was next to impossible for me to make any positive changes.  I tried pharmaceuticals.  I tried trusting God to change me.  I’d attended dialectical behavioral therapy and tried to study Marsha Linehan’s approach to helping those with BPD.   I tried drinking my troubles away.  I had numerous individual therapists.  I tried reading books on the subject.  Nothing really seemed to help me.  Oh, I may have gotten better for a couple days, but I wasn’t able to hold onto the “change” for very long at all.  That’s because it wasn’t a real change.  I was trying to force my mind to do and believe things that went against my very core.  Of course, what I believed in my core was wrong, but it still makes it difficult to change one’s behavior if old beliefs are held onto.

Jay and I started seeing a therapist together this past May.  Since we both had pretty much hit rock bottom personally, our marriage was showing signs of distress.  The therapist we saw was unlike any other we had sought help from in the past.  If you’ve been following Crazy Jay’s and my blogs, I have been calling her “Unconventional Therapist”, and Jay has been calling her “New Age Therapy Chick”, or NATC.  She focuses more on Eastern philosophies.  She introduced us to the Emotional Freedom Technique which involves tapping on pressure points of the body while repeating affirmations.  She uses oil remedies for emotional and physical issues.  She focuses on being in the moment instead of brooding about the past or pondering the future.  She also led me to the book that I feel completely changed my perspective on life in general, my attitude, and how I need be living.  “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay has taught me that loving myself can go a long way in helping me feel better.  Focusing on the negative will bring negative into my life.  Sending negative thoughts/comments/actions into the world towards others will bring negative into my life.  The best thing I can do for myself, and for everyone else is to love, respect, and forgive myself.  If I am able to do that for myself, it will be much easier to do that for other people.

I have been feeling tremendously wonderful this past month.  I can’t believe it’s only been a month.  I never thought I would feel a fraction of the joy and overall positivity I feel now.  Daily stresses don’t seem to bother me.  Jay and I have a much more peaceful, understanding relationship.  My anxiety has decreased to almost nothing.  My depression is gone.  I am treating myself better, both physically and emotionally.  I do still have issues to deal with, but I feel that I can now actually focus on that issue, and take care of it so that it does not pop up and bother me again.  Three months ago, however, I wouldn’t have really been able to start working on this issue.  It was too difficult stepping over the steaming piles of pain, anger and depression to focus on anything else.

Today I pulled up Wikipedia’s page on borderline personality disorder.  Any guesses as to how many criteria I met?  Let me start by saying that, at my worst, I knocked all nine outta the park.  I won’t go into any more detail about how things were at my worst, but start reading through my early blog posts if you want a clear picture.  Today, however, is a new day.  Today, I do not meet ONE criterion.  If I was examined by a shrink or some doctor today, I would NOT be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

I know that I have only been feeling exceptionally awesome for about a month, but I can tell this time is different.  This time I have changed my way of thinking and my thoughts.  This time when I am nice to Jay, it is not because I am clenching my teeth shut so I don’t spew venom.  This time I’m nice to Jay because all I hold in my head are soft, loving thoughts about him.  I don’t allow myself to think negative thoughts.  Not about myself.  Not about Jay.  Not about my co-workers, or traffic, or the slower cashier at the grocery store.  Not even about my birth family.  I am in the process of forgiving all from my past that I feel have wronged me, and I feel free.  I am happy.  I am content.  I’ve found a way of thinking that works for me.

In the past, my BPD would come in cycles, as I’m sure is the case for most.  I would have a looooong string of bad days, with a couple good thrown in.  The rare good days could last from one day to maybe four or five, if I was “lucky”.  Even on those “good” days, I would struggle with my thoughts.  I was ALWAYS at war with my thoughts.  A “good” day meant I didn’t punch a hole in the wall.  I would just go to my car and punch on it so I didn’t leave marks (well, not on the car, that is).  A “good” day meant I was only mean and snarky for a small portion of the day instead of the entire thing.  A “good” day meant I only picked the scabs off of my arms and legs instead of creating new cuts.  Even my “good” days were bad days.

I don’t expect my life to be perfect now.  Of course things will come up.  Things HAVE been coming up.  It’s important to keep in mind that things will ALWAYS come up.  That is the way of life.  What matters is not what happens, but how you deal with it.  What matters is not what others say or do to you.  What matters is how you choose to react and what you choose to believe about yourself.  I choose to love myself, tell myself I’m wonderful, and have an amazing day.

Categories: Anger, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Healing, Mental Illness, Therapy, Thoughts | Tags: | 12 Comments

I Affirm You Will Read This


I woke up this morning and made sure I had a good attitude.  I affirmed that it would be a good day, and that I was excited about the upcoming possibilities.  Sounds hokey, but it made me feel pretty good.  Every time I’ve thought through that affirmation, I smile.  I was grinning from ear to ear on the way to work.  I’m sure I looked like a fool.  I know I didn’t care.

I really am amazed at how well these silly sounding affirmations work.  Yesterday evening had the potential to be disastrous.  Instead of thinking, “Oh no!  This is going to be a crappy, stressful night.  I think I’ll stay late at work to avoid it.”, I ran through positive affirmations.  All afternoon and all the way home from work, I was repeating to myself “All is well.  Everything is working out for my highest good.  Only good can come from this situation.  I am safe.”  After a few minutes, I wasn’t anxious about the upcoming evening.  This affirmation can be used for anything, but seems to be good when one is worrying or anxious.  Now, I don’t know if I yet believe that we create our experiences based on our thoughts, but I know that I FELT tremendously better than I would have if I was worrying and anxious all afternoon.

I think the whole idea is that how we THINK is really what shapes an experience.  If we are constantly thinking negative thoughts, we will have a lot of negative experiences.  If I went home last night with the thought in my head that it was going to be a difficult evening, I probably would have walked through the door on edge.  If I had been edgy, that would have made the entire situation precarious, and, most likely, explosive.  I went home thinking that everything was going to work out for my good (which is a Biblical principle, so not a huge stretch for me), and I had a very nice evening.  This morning I started the day stating that I was excited for what could possibly happen, and that I would have a good day today.  I know it’s not quite one o-clock, but so far a great day!  I’m not feeling stressed, and the silly office bullshit I have to deal with isn’t bothering me in the slightest.

I know I’m not changing events with the power of my mind, but I am continuously surprised by how running positive thoughts through my head all day keeps me out of the low, angry moods I’m prone to.  Bad things are going to continue to happen, but I don’t have to let them affect me like I have in the past.  After all, it’s not what happens – it’s how we react to it.

This may all seem like a stretch, and I thought it was completely ridiculous when I started reading “You Can Heal Your Life”.  However, constantly repeating to myself that I love and approve of myself started to turn my mood the very same day.  I have a desire to feel stupid and silly while talking about all this positive affirmation stuff, but I can’t deny that it works.  Read some of my many negative, angry, struggling past blog posts if you doubt me.

“I choose to feel good about myself.  It does not matter what other people say.  What matters is how I choose to react and what I choose to believe about myself.” – affirmation from “21 Days to Master Affirmations” by Louise Hay

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Depression, Healing, Health, PTSD, Therapy, Thoughts | 2 Comments

Retraining My Mind


You know how some people will ask how you’re doing, and when you start to tell them honestly, they respond in irritation with, “Everyone’s got problems!”  Whatever the context, I’m quite sure all of us have heard this from time to time.  Either directed at ourselves, or someone else who can’t seem to keep it together.

I was pondering this the other day.  Yes, everyone has problems, but why do they seem so HUGE for some, myself, at times, included?  As I type this, I realize the answer is obvious, but it seemed novel to me at the time.  Yes, everyone has problems, but not everyone is equipped to deal with their problems.  Not everyone has the tools to solve their problems and keep them from returning.

Up until recently, I thought it was impossible for ME to learn to use these tools on a regular basis.  I knew that the way I was raised caused me to wrongly react to things, but I also thought that I could sit back and blame the way I was raised.  I was not taught how to deal with many situations.  I was not taught how to act in interpersonal relationships.  I was taught to be critical and negative so as not to become disappointed.  That doesn’t mean I can’t change any of that, though.  Yes, I had a screwed up childhood.  No, I do not have to have a screwed up life.

When I started reading “You Can Heal Your Life”, I was depressed and angry.  I was considering starting to self harm again.  I thought there was no way out, and nothing I could do to change anything.  I had tried desperately to change what I said and how I acted.  All I managed to do was frustrate, become angry at, and blame myself for not being what I thought I “should” be.

As I began reading, though, my outlook started to change.  I realized I had the ability to change what was going on with me.  The author says that one has to change how they think about themselves before they can expect their lives to change.  I thought it was a lot of touchy-feely-sit-around-a-camp-fire-naked-and-cry-while-singing-koom-by-ya kinda thing.  It seems silly that just being nice to yourself and liking yourself is going to change anything.  It seems IMPOSSIBLE to me, as a borderline, to even begin to show self-love.  The entire concept seemed foreign.

It starts off with baby steps, though.  Not being critical of yourself, not having negative views about yourself, only telling yourself nice things, repeating affirmations, etc.  If one goes through life thinking they are shit and don’t deserve happiness, they will never obtain happiness.  If one thinks that everyone is out to get them, that is what they will see in their life.  What you view about yourself will manifest in your life.  I KNOW this seems crazy, but it really seems to work!

Think about it, though.  If you believe, deep down, that you will never be happy, how will you be able to LET yourself be happy?  Letting yourself be happy would go against everything you truly believe!  If you believe everyone is out to get you, that is all that you will see in each interaction with people.

Conversely, if you tell yourself you deserve to be happy, it will come.  If you tell yourself that you love yourself, you will not see a need to be overly critical.  If you forgive other people for their faults, you’ll be more able to forgive yourself the faults you possess.

I have been repeating affirmations to myself over the past week.  “I completely love and accept myself.”  “I deserve to be _____, and I accept it now.”  “I am willing to release the need to be unworthy.  I am worthy of the very best in life and I now lovingly allow myself to accept it.”  I think you get the point.  I have seen a difference in how I treat myself since I’ve started doing this.  I have been showering on a daily basis, and using smelly bath stuff.  I have been using lotions.  I have been exercising some.  I have been eating better.  I have been sleeping better.  It’s like I finally convinced myself that I am WORTHY of being treated well, and I am doing that for myself.  The above things have been difficult for me in the past because I never thought I was worthy of anything other than pain and misery, and that’s how I treated myself.

I have also been treating other people better.  I do not get as frustrated with my coworkers, and I have not been lashing out at Crazy Jay.  I do not look for the negative in everything and find ways to tell others that they’re wrong.  I am not as critical, and am more willing to over look things others do that bother me.

Here’s something else COMPLETELY CRAZY:  Crappy things have happened this past week, but I am not really bothered by them.  Jay and I have had a tiff or two, but it was quickly nipped in the bud, and I didn’t brood about it all day.  I am not as stressed out at work, even though there is a HUGE invoicing mess that I’ve been dealing with.  Everything seems to roll off my back much easier than it ever has in my life.  Maybe this is what my unconventional therapist meant when she told me to “be an observer”.  It’s like the bullshit that other people throw my way doesn’t even touch me.

I guess maybe I should have started with this next part.  Then maybe people would have read all the way through.  I am not struggling and straining to “get through” each problem that comes my way.  I do not have to bite my tongue or deeply consider what I say.  Because I have changed my outlook on things, and the way I view myself, it’s not hard to be nice, because I FEEL nice.  It’s not hard to contain my frustration, because I don’t FEEL it anywhere near the same level I used to.  It’s not hard to “act” happy, because I AM happy.  I am not trying to twist my mind into doing something that it doesn’t want to do.  I am in the process of retraining my mind so that it wants to do what I want it to do, and not just react to things that trigger childhood memories.  I changed my fundamental beliefs about myself and my life, and I have seen an almost immediate change.  It helps that Jay is going through the same book as me, and is seeing things the same way.  Even if he wasn’t, though, I think I would be ok.  I think I am going to get through all this.  In fact, I can see it as I look over my shoulder, getting smaller in the distance.  I AM going to have a full, happy life.  I AM worthy, and deserve good things.  I AM lovable and capable of showing love.  I AM willing to release the negative patterns in my mind.  Holy shit…I think I can do this thing, after all.

Categories: Abuse, Anger, Borderline Personality Disorder, Child Abuse, Daily Life, Depression, Healing, PTSD, Stress, Therapy | 1 Comment

Here Comes Karma!!


In the book I’m reading, “You Can Heal Your Life”, Louise Hay talks a lot about the idea of Karma.  I don’t think she has actually used the word “Karma” when discussing her beliefs.  She basically says that what you put out in the universe is what you get back.  If you hold onto negative thoughts and feelings, you will receive negativity from “the universe”.  If you put out love and good thoughts, that is what you will get back.  Watch the below video to see what “the universe” or Karma does to a man who steals a woman’s purse.  You only have to watch the first 12 seconds to see the STREET JUSTICE!!

 

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, Daily Life, Thoughts | Tags: , , , , | 3 Comments

Reaching Out to Little Meg


Crazy Jay and I met with our therapist last night.  I’ve been calling her “new age therapist”, or something like that.  I think I’m going to change to “unconventional”, instead.  Anyway, we were talking about how a lot of the issues Jay and I both have now are a result of things done to us throughout childhood.  Unconventional Therapist was telling us that we need to go back and heal our inner child so that our adult selves can be healed.  Now, this is the kind of thing that I used to think was complete B.S.  “Heal your inner child”?  Gimme a break!!  What kind of mumbo-jumbo is that?  Just be an adult and deal with this!!

Of course, that could be (and probably is) the voice of the fuckers who raised me.  They didn’t believe in therapy.  They weren’t convinced of the legitimacy of They looked down on people with mental disorders, telling me that if I was depressed, it’s because I “wasn’t trusting God enough”.  That’s nice.  And so helpful.  Way to make a person who already feels shitty into even MORE of a failure.

Moving on…

I think Unconventional Therapist is absolutely right that Jay and I need to heal our inner child.  I mean, the way we react to things now is directly related to our experiences in childhood.  Jay tells me all the time he feels like a financial burden, even though I keep telling him to shut his whore mouth.  I have never thought of him as a burden, and I hope I don’t ACT like I think he’s a burden.  It clicked for us last night, though, that Jay’s father always made money an issue when Jay was growing up.  His father was constantly talking about how much things that Jay needed cost.  No wonder he now sees that he is using money and not putting any in the kitty, so he equates that with being a burden.

My distaste of being touched stems from my childhood sexual abuse.  I feel hands on me now and essentially think I am a child, being abused and touched against my will.  Of course, that is not a conscious thought, but that is why I don’t like hands on me now.  The thoughts, feelings and ideas we have reinforced as children come out when we’re adults.  I have so many more examples of how things in childhood shape my thoughts and actions now, but I think I’ve made my point.

Jay told Unconventional Therapist that he didn’t know how to heal his inner child.  That he didn’t even know what this looked like.  I’ve had several weeks to digest the “heal your inner child” thing, but this may be the first time Jay tried to apply it to himself.  I told him that his inner child and my inner child (Little Jay and Little Meg) should have a play date this week.  Do something childlike and silly.  I suggested going to a playground and swinging.  The teeter-tooter would be fun, too!  Unconventional Therapist suggested we may like to try some art projects since we both thought coloring in coloring books would be enjoyable.  Art projects may be too lofty of a goal, but I could sure mess around with some Play-Dough!!

This week Jay and I are both going to focus on “going back” and taking care of Little Jay and Little Meg.  Unconventional Therapist said our goal is to “go back”, “pick up” our little inner selves, and tell him or her that we will protect them.  That we are there to take care of them.  We aren’t terribly sure how to attempt that quite yet, but apparently the first step is doing activities our inner child would enjoy…hence the play date.  It was also suggested that we go to the children’s section of the library and check out some kid books, but then that would entail brushing elbows with ACTUAL children.

I’m looking forward to letting out Little Meg.  I think this could be fun.  It will be nice to focus on small enjoyable activities throughout the day instead of the many stresses of life.

 

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Daily Life, Depression, Marriage, Mental Illness, PTSD, Stress | 9 Comments

Shaky Sense of Self? Check!


Crazy Jay’s birthday was a couple weeks ago.  Actually four days before our anniversary.  I arranged for him and a friend to go rock climbing.  Since I have an intense fear of heights (you have NO idea), I stayed on the ground with Jay’s friend’s wife.  That was interesting.  She is a psychology major.  Working on her Masters, I believe.  While we were sitting on a bench somewhere, she asked me what I’m interested in.  What I like to do for fun.  What activities I enjoy.  My pathetic response still makes me cringe.  “I’m not really sure what I enjoy.  I pretty much let everyone else decide what we’re doing.”  Even worse was when she asked me if I collected anything, and I had to say “no”.  She knows Jay is bat-shit crazy.  Now she thinks I’m a doormat with no opinion, I’m sure.

This has happened one other time.  About a year ago, I was on my way to lunch with my boss.  While we were waiting for the stop light to change, she asked me what I enjoy doing.  What I do in my free time.  Totally blank.  I had no idea what to say.  I’m pretty sure I said something along the lines of, “Hmm, I don’t really know.  I used to read a lot.”  LOL  I’m still palming my face over that one.

I have realized over the past couple weeks that, not only am I not really sure what I like to do, when I DO know something I like (like certain music, a specific restaurant, a type of book, various movies, etc), I am incredibly ashamed of it.  I can be driving around the interstate, blaring my music (whatever fits my mood at the time), and as soon as I get off the highway and onto a smaller road around other cars, I’ll turn the music down.  If my windows are open when I pull up to a stop light and the guy beside me has his windows down, too, my music gets turned down to barely above a whisper.   At work, I used to let music play quietly through my computer.  I could barely hear it, though, because I’ve been too embarrassed to let it play loudly enough for anyone else to hear.  I started wearing earbuds so I don’t have to worry about it.  A few months ago, one of the guys in the office said he was going to turn on music so we could all listen.  He asked ME what kind of music I like.  I didn’t know what to say.  I was so worried I was going to be judged based on what I said!!

I’m afraid to give my opinion about whether or not I like something.  I’m afraid to suggest a movie or a restaurant.  What if I choose the wrong one?  Then it’s MY fault.  What if other people think I’m stupid based on my movie suggestion.  What if I’m ridiculed for the restaurant I want to go to?  What if they think I’m lame for the music I like?

I started doing some research on borderline personality disorder, which is something I haven’t done in almost a year.  It was pretty sobering to read through the Wikipedia page and feel like it was written ABOUT ME.

According to Wikipedia:

“People with BPD have trouble seeing a clear picture of their identity.  In particular, they have a hard time knowing what they value and enjoy.  They are unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs.  This difficulty with knowing who they are and what they value can cause people with BPD to feel that they are empty and lost”

Huh, that sure makes a lot of sense, especially when looking back at my life.  I have never really known what I wanted to do with my life.   I shouldn’t even say “really known”.  I have had no idea.  My “ideal” career has always changed based on what people I had around me at the time.  No to mention that I DON’T know who I am.  I haven’t a clue (Jay, do you have a clue??).  Nothing about me stays the same.  My likes and dislikes change based on which way the wind blows.  I’m not even sure if I DO enjoy things.  I suppose I can look back and say whether or not I enjoyed it, but I have a hard time DURING the event knowing if I’m enjoying myself.  If people around me are having fun, I just copy them.  It’s not until I’m alone later and can reflect on things that I know if what I just did/watched/listened to/ate was something I enjoyed.

Another quote from Wikipedia that applies:

“People with BPD are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, isolation, and perceived failure.”

So, I would guess that I have felt criticized and rejected in the past based on things that I expressed I enjoyed doing.  *gasp*  SHOCKER!!!  My general past has been getting hazy lately, and I can’t think of a specific example (maybe because there are too many?), but I am quite sure that there were many times I was ridiculed and critiqued for my opinion on something, making me now very hesitant to express it, whether it be by letting people know what I like, or engaging in a discussion/debate based on opinions.

I’m not sure how to change these feelings.  I guess now that I’m aware, like with everything else, I can start working on it.  I have to say, though, that compared to all the other  (MANY) issues I’m trying to sort out, this is very very low on my  list of things to work on.  I am trying to adjust the parts of me that hurt other people, and then maybe I’ll move onto the things I do that hurt myself.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Daily Life, Depression, Life, Mental Illness | Tags: , | 2 Comments

Kacey Musgraves – Follow Your Arrow


I’m not really into country music, though some of it’s ok.  My supervisor gave me some Kacey Musgrove songs, and I gotta say I like the entire CD.  I especially like this song.  The basic message is that everyone is going to tell you that you are wrong.  No matter what you do, it won’t be acceptable.  Damned if you’re do, damned if you don’t.  So….you may as well do whatever the hell you want.  Be true to who you are, and don’t worry about what anyone else says.

 

 

 

“Follow Your Arrow”

If you save yourself for marriage
You’re a bore
If you don’t save yourself for marriage
You’re a whore-able person
If you won’t have a drink
Then you’re a prude
But they’ll call you a drunk
As soon as you down the first one

If you can’t lose the weight
Then you’re just fat
But if you lose too much
Then you’re on crack
You’re damned if you do
And you’re damned if you don’t
So you might as well just do
Whatever you want
So

Make lots of noise
Kiss lots of boys
Or kiss lots of girls
If that’s something you’re into
When the straight and narrow
Gets a little too straight
Roll up a joint, or don’t
Just follow your arrow
Wherever it points, yeah
Follow your arrow
Wherever it points

If you don’t go to church
You’ll go to hell
If you’re the first one
On the front row
You’re self-righteous
Son of a-
Can’t win for losing
You’ll just disappoint ’em
Just ’cause you can’t beat ’em
Don’t mean you should join ’em

So make lots of noise
Kiss lots of boys
Or kiss lots of girls
If that’s something you’re into
When the straight and narrow
Gets a little too straight
Roll up a joint, or don’t
Just follow your arrow
Wherever it points, yeah
Follow your arrow
Wherever it points

Say what you think
Love who you love
‘Cause you just get
So many trips ’round the sun
Yeah, you only
Only live once

So make lots of noise
Kiss lots of boys
Or kiss lots of girls
If that’s what you’re into
When the straight and narrow
Gets a little too straight
Roll up a joint, I would
And follow your arrow
Wherever it points, yeah
Follow your arrow
Wherever it points

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Life, Music | 1 Comment

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