Family

I Forgive You


D:

I forgive you for your constant criticisms and put downs of me.  I now know that you hated yourself, and were only able to see the negative aspects of others.  It somehow made your failings and short comings seem smaller.  I understand that making other people feel badly made you feel better.

I forgive you for focusing so much on my weight, even though you filled the house with junk food, sugar, and pizza.  I now know that you had your own issues with food.  You felt better about indulging when I did it with you, and it gave you a chance to unleash the guilt and shame you felt towards yourself onto another.  Somehow, if I overate with you, it made you feel not as bad.  By telling me I was too fat, you were able to safely express the feelings you felt towards yourself.

I forgive you for constantly trying to control and micromanage my life.  I now know that you felt your life had been spiraling out of control for a long, long time.  By clamping down on me, you were able to feel you had a handle on things without making any difficult changes in your life.

I forgive you for making me always feel inferior to everyone and everything.  I now know you struggled with feelings of self-worth, but weren’t strong enough to overcome them.  I understand how that can make a person feel like they’re drowning, and without hope.

I forgive you for making me believe that my thoughts and feelings didn’t matter.  I now know you felt that you didn’t matter, and you had no idea how to express it.  I understand you projected your feelings onto me.  I know how you had been stepped on by life.

I forgive you for making me feel unloved. I now know you had no experience of self-love.  I can also imagine how difficult it was to cope with the fact that your husband preferred your eldest daughter over yourself.  I understand you didn’t feel loved for most of your life, and you felt I had taken the only person who had any chance of really loving you. I forgive you for making it obvious that you favored my siblings over me.  I now know you felt that I received more “love” than I deserved.  I know how that hurt you.  I know you didn’t know what to do.

I forgive you for not protecting me when you should have.  I now know that you, yourself, were a victim of your choices and circumstances.  I understand you were too weak to shield me from the dangers of this world.

I forgive you for making me think all of the above was my fault.  I now know these problems were a direct result of the unresolved issues in your life.  In your soul.  This was always about you, and never about me.  I understand I was a child with no control, and you were the adult.

I forgive you, and I pity you.  I am strong.  I have overcome.  You are not.  You cannot.  You truly are a prisoner.  May you find peace one day.

“I guess we are who we are / Headlights shining in the dark night I drive on…”                                        ~Eminem ‘Headlights’

Categories: Abuse, Anger, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Family, Healing, Parenting, Therapy, Thoughts | Leave a comment

¡Atrapé la Chupacabra!


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Su debilidad es guisantes de azúcar.  (Jay y yo compramos Rosetta Stone para esta Navidad.)

Categories: Animals, Daily Life, Family, Healing, Health, Pictures | Tags: | 1 Comment

Please Come Back


His look of love makes me feel secure.

He softly, slowly kisses my forehead.

His gentle caress leaves me wanting more.

My happiest day was the day we wed.

 

Suddenly, he’s cruelly ripped from my arms.

The Monkey drags him, kicking and screaming.

Happened so fast, guess I missed the alarms.

Watching him go, I feel tears streaming.

 

My love’s gone.  Here’s a stranger with his face.

His heart now dark, his anger rends my soul.

His nasty words I wish I could erase.

This vile Monkey is out of control.

 

I ache for my husband and miss him so.

He’ll come back, but he’ll leave again, I know.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Family, Healing, Marriage, Poetry | Tags: , | Leave a comment

Yes, The Best They Can


I listen to Eminem…a lot.  I think his music is witty, creative, well worded, and just over all hilarious.  One of the things I like most about his music (besides the way he can paint an amazing picture with his words) is that most of his songs have a message.  Not just raping “sluts”, doing drugs and killing women, as some might think.  An actual message.  A MEANING to his music.

He released a song on his newest album called “Headlights”.  In the song, he basically apologizes to his mother (his past songs chronicle the constantly deteriorating relationship they have/had) for the things he has said to her and about her, and he says that he forgives her for what she’s done to him.

That song has gotten me thinking about my own birth mother.  It has been a couple months since I decided to forgive my entire birth family, and the people I feel have wronged me throughout my life.  As I’ve mentioned before, just because I forgive someone doesn’t mean what they did was right, or that I condone it.  It simply means that I no longer choose to hold onto the anger and bitterness that lingers when one is hurt over and over.

I’ve also recently been toying with the idea of how I view my birth parents, namely my birth mother.  I try not to think about my birth father.  I am not yet at the point where I can consciously wrap my head around what he did and be ok with it.  I WANT to forgive him, which I’m told is the main thing.  Anyway, I know that in September of last year, I wrote a post stating that I did not think my birth parents did the best they could when raising me, which seems to imply that they knew the impact they were having on me, and purposefully continued anyway, disregarding my feelings.  My views have changed on this subject.

I believe that my birth parents, and my extended birth family, DID do the best they could.  I believe the people in a particular church who abandoned me did the best they could.  I believe that everyone who has ever hurt me did the best they could.

A person can only behave in a way that they know.  If a person has been raised around critiscm and hate, that is the way they will be around others until they LEARN a new way to act.  If a person has been raised to see the best in people, they will always see others in a positive light.  I know that my birth parents did not come from easy households.  I know both sets of their parents.   I can imagine, as children, my birth parents had hard lives, but in different ways.

I can imagine my birth father was constantly having to live up to his parents’ expectations.  I know they thought that he should succeed in certain ways, exude certain traits, and marry a certain kind of woman.  I can imagine that would put a lot of pressure on a person, and affect the way they live their life.  My birth mother was raised with physically and verbally abusive parents, which would explain a lot about how she acts.  Her parents were constantly disregarding her and her siblings’ needs in order to purchase nonessential things for themselves.  Until one actively seeks out change in their life, they will default to whatever behavior it is that they know.  One cannot be blamed for acting the only way they know how.

Up until recently, I was not a nice person.  Not to people who really knew me.  I was able to hide all my nasty behaviors, until I got comfortable with you.  Then I was rude, critical, angry and mean.  I could never be satisfied.  I was constantly feeling hurt by others, and lashing out as a result.  It wasn’t until I actively sought out different ways to be that I was able to change.  Up until then, I was only acting on what I knew.  What I had been taught.

One of the affirmations I very much like is:

Everybody is doing the best they can; including me.

I used to repeat that affirmation when I was beating up on myself for mistakes I’ve made.  Then I realized that the first part of this affirmation applies to others.  “EVERYONE is doing the best they can…”  I’ve started repeating that affirmation now when I feel others are being hurtful to me.  I use it to remind myself that Crazy Jay may not be perfect, but he, too, is doing the best he can.

Now, let me say that, just because I believe that everyone is doing the best they can doesn’t mean that their best is good enough for me.  If someone’s best is to be constantly critical, judgmental, demeaning and condescending, I do not have to accept them into my life.  I am the one who decides who I allow in my world.  If one is not evolved enough to overcome their hurtful behaviors, they do not need to have anything to do with me.  I do not need to be mean and judgmental back at them, however.  I can simply say to myself, “Hey, they are not far enough along in their journey to be able to interact with me in a way that will not be negative and harmful to me.  This is not a person that I want to spend time with.”  It’s as simple as that.  I don’t need to judge them for what they say or do.  I don’t need to critique them, or try to change them.  I can change no one’s actions but my own.  I need to accept everyone as they are, RIGHT NOW.  I cannot expect people to change for me.  It is up to me to decide how to react when I encounter a mean, hurtful person.  My decision is to keep them out of my life, or to eject them from my life.

So, yes, I now believe that my birth family did the best they could.  That doesn’t change the fact that they each exhibit deeply hurtful behaviors, and that I don’t want to interact with any of them.  I forgive them for what they did.  I forgive them their failures.  I wish them all the best.  I hope they can each find the happiness that comes from truly loving and accepting oneself.

I learn to forgive and release.  Inner peace is my goal.

Categories: Affirmations, Borderline Personality Disorder, Family, Healing, Health, Life | Tags: , , | 7 Comments

Time For a Change


Soooo…It would seem that I’m toying with the idea of forgiving “the snapperheads” (as Crazy Jay would say) who screwed me up in the past.  This would include everyone that I’m harboring resentment against, but it would start with my parents.

I’m reading “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay.  It was recommended to me by my unconventional therapist.  I’m not too far into this book, but I feel like it has already changed my attitude about certain things.  I’m learning the benefits of self love and positive thinking.  “Self love” is hard for a borderline to feel, but there was a brief paragraph in this book that caught my eye.

“Loving the self, to me, begins with never ever criticizing ourselves for anything. Criticism locks us into the very pattern we are trying to change. Understanding and being gentle with ourselves helps us to move out of it. Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

Well, I guess she has a point.  I HAVE been incredibly hard on myself all of my life.  I don’t particularly like how my life is going right now.  Something needs to change.  I have tried a lot of things to try and change my thoughts and behaviors, and nothing has really worked.  Why not give being nice to myself a try?  It couldn’t hurt.

Back to forgiving snapperheads

The thought is that, if one is holding onto anger and resentment, not only can they make themselves physically sick, but they are exerting a lot of unnecessary energy.  One keeps the negative energy and emotions in their body, and it just continues to make their life difficult.

Not only that, but expecting perfection from your parents is a sure-fire way to never expect less than perfection from yourself.  How can you love yourself and not be critical if you expect yourself to be perfect?  I know when I place expectations on myself, I’m constantly kicking myself and feeling like a failure.  It’s better to remember that, just like you, your parents are frightened, injured people.  They have been damaged in their lifetimes, and are only able to teach their children what they have been taught.

In order to free ourselves from the negative patterns in our life, we need to learn to love ourselves.  Before we love ourselves, we must forgive those who have harmed us in the past.  Now, I’m still a little leery of this “forgiveness” sticht.  I talked to my unconventional therapist about this last night.  She cleared a few things up for me that might make this a little bit easier.

Just because you forgive a person does not mean you are saying what happened is ok.  You are not condoning their behaviors.  You are just making the conscious decision to not spend any time or energy being upset by this person’s actions.  The past cannot be changed, but we can change our future by adjusting how we think about things.  If we are constantly thinking about how horrible people are, and about the evil things that have been done to us, our lives won’t be very fulfilled.  We will hold onto hate and anger, and never flourish into the person we could have been had we been born into a loving environment.

I was also assured that just because one decides to forgive another does not mean that person has to be in their life.  I can accept that my parents were raised a certain way, and act a certain way.  I can decide that I do not want people who act a certain way to be part of my life.  I am not judging them, angry, or hating them, I just do not want the negativity they bring as part of my little world.  I can forgive them and work to heal myself without judging them or including them in my life.

I really want to heal from my past.  I want my future to be different than where it seems to be headed.  I want a full, happy, positive life.  It will be difficult for me to show self love.  It will be difficult for me to forgive my parents, and keep in mind that that means no pent up anger towards them.  It will be difficult for me to focus on the positive, and keep the negative out of my life.  It’s difficult, but not impossible.  I am committed to being different.  I have tried a lot of different things to try and change myself.  Nothing’s worked so far.  Time to try being nice to myself, and show a little forgiveness.

Categories: Abuse, Anger, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Depression, Family, Healing, Health, Relationships | 4 Comments

Ignorant


I don’t know how to love with my whole heart.

How could I?  Raised in an uncaring home,

Affection was foreign.  Coldness I knew.

I learned to be critical and hate-filled.

I lived on anger and disappointment.

Resentment and hurt were my company.

Loving touches, hugs, kisses, “I love you”

Were not what I knew.  Harsh words, angry stares –

These were my normal.  A life lacking warmth.

I felt like a stranger in my own home.

The child who could not understand love

Grew to the woman who could not show love.

I stay withdrawn and reserved.  Scared.  Hiding.

Even if I wanted to venture out,

I’m ignorant of how to show I care.

Unsure of what to do or how to act.

I sit to the side.  Alienated.

I ache to reach out from behind this wall.

I long to show you the love I feel.

Categories: Abuse, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Family, Life, Mental Illness, Poetry, Relationships | 2 Comments

The Newest Addition to Our Fambly


We got a new puppy!!!  Crazy Jay and I have been watching animal shows lately as a way to help calm ourselves, and keep our stress levels down.  The shows have mainly focused on puppies.  I just couldn’t get over how cute they were!  Jay and I have been talking about getting another dog, and watching the puppy shows just pushed us over the edge.  We started looking in the paper and online for free dogs.  Yesterday we found a puppy on Craigs List.  We think he is a cockipoo, which is a cocker spaniel mixed with a poodle.  There may be something else in there.  He was delivered to Jay yesterday while I was at work.  Jay was sending me pictures all day, and I was so anxious to get home!!  I must say, the pictures barely do this adorable little puppy any justice.  Meet Augustus!

 

AugustusIsn’t he so fucking cute?  I can barely stand it!!!

Augustus 3Augustus 2

So, that’s our new puppy!!  How can you look at that face and feel badly?

Categories: Animals, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depression, Family, Mental Illness, Stress | Tags: , | 9 Comments

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Our Weekend in Portsmouth Ohio


This weekend, Jay and I packed up our fambly and headed to Portsmouth Ohio.  It’s located directly on the Ohio River.  One side of the Ohio River is in Kentucky, and one side is in Ohio.  We had an awesome weekend.  The area was beautiful, and Mayo (the dog) enjoyed splashing around in the Ohio River.  Below are some of my favorite pictures taken.

This is Jay and Mayo right at the bank of the Ohio River.  This was a couple blocks away from our hotel.

This is Jay and Mayo right at the bank of the Ohio River. This was a couple blocks away from our hotel.

This is the Ohio River.  I couldn't believe how HUGE it is!  Saturday was a gorgeous day to wander around on the river.

This is the Ohio River. I couldn’t believe how HUGE it is! Saturday was a gorgeous day to wander around on the river.

This was taken at the Shawnee State Forest, about 20 minutes outside our hotel.  Mayo looks like the star of the picture (even though Jay claims to be the star of EVERY picture)!

This was taken at the Shawnee State Forest, about 20 minutes outside our hotel. Mayo looks like the star of the picture (even though Jay claims to be the star of EVERY picture)!

This was Bear Lake at Shawnee State Forest.  Right at the edge of the lake, there is a drop off and mini man-made waterfall.

This was Bear Lake at Shawnee State Forest. Right at the edge of the lake, there is a drop off and mini man-made waterfall.

This is a side view of the drop off at Bear Lake.

This is a side view of the drop off at Bear Lake.

This one cracks me up.  I love how Mayo's looking out from underneath Jay's arm.

This one cracks me up. I love how Mayo’s looking out from underneath Jay’s arm.

And here is Jay showing off his weapons.  Brass nuckles, his Escrima stick, and I'm not even sure how many knives he was strapped up with.  He was prepared in case one of those "Wrong Turn" situations happened!

And here is Jay showing off his weapons. Brass nuckles, his Escrima stick, and I’m not even sure how many knives he was strapped up with. He was prepared in case one of those “Wrong Turn” situations happened!

This is Jay and Mayo walking along the Ohio again.  Everyone and everything was coated with muddy sand by the time we got back to the car.

This is Jay and Mayo walking along the Ohio again. Everyone and everything was coated with muddy sand by the time we got back to the car.

Oh, yeah.  And THIS was the view from our hotel.  It's a little pixilated-looking because the picture was taken through a screen.  You get the idea, though.

Oh, yeah. And THIS was the view from our hotel. It’s a little pixilated-looking because the picture was taken through a screen. You get the idea, though.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Family, Friendship, Life, Marriage, Relationships, Travel, Weekend | 13 Comments

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