Life

My Final Post


I have decided that this will be my last post on my Struggling With BPD blog.  I have been blogging under this address for almost two years.  When I originally started this blog, I was trying to work out my many mental and emotional issues, and I was hoping this would be a therapeutic way to deal with my borderline personality disorder.  It seems that this blog has fulfilled its purpose.  According to the standards set forth in the DSM-IV, I no longer meet the criteria for BPD, and I haven’t for several months.  I feel that I can no longer blog under this address, and am considering starting a different blog.  I don’t know the topic of my next blog, or even if there will be one, but as soon as I’ve made the decision, I will post the address, just in case anyone who has been following me is interested.

I have been contemplating the decision to write my final post on this blog for several weeks.  I have noticed that I have not been writing in the past six months nearly as much as I have in the past.  To be honest, I just haven’t felt like writing about something that would “fit” into this blog.  I am at a different place in my life than I was when I started this, and my head is not nearly as muddled as it used to be, so I haven’t felt the need to post.

I have enjoyed blogging here, and I very much appreciate all the comments and advice I have received.  I will keep this blog address public, and will respond to comments as they come.  I hope everyone is able to find peace and happiness.  I’ve learned it’s a hard life if those things are lacking.

The future is good.  I look forward with hope and happiness.

Advertisements
Categories: Affirmations, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Healing, Life, Mental Illness, Thoughts | 12 Comments

Yes, The Best They Can


I listen to Eminem…a lot.  I think his music is witty, creative, well worded, and just over all hilarious.  One of the things I like most about his music (besides the way he can paint an amazing picture with his words) is that most of his songs have a message.  Not just raping “sluts”, doing drugs and killing women, as some might think.  An actual message.  A MEANING to his music.

He released a song on his newest album called “Headlights”.  In the song, he basically apologizes to his mother (his past songs chronicle the constantly deteriorating relationship they have/had) for the things he has said to her and about her, and he says that he forgives her for what she’s done to him.

That song has gotten me thinking about my own birth mother.  It has been a couple months since I decided to forgive my entire birth family, and the people I feel have wronged me throughout my life.  As I’ve mentioned before, just because I forgive someone doesn’t mean what they did was right, or that I condone it.  It simply means that I no longer choose to hold onto the anger and bitterness that lingers when one is hurt over and over.

I’ve also recently been toying with the idea of how I view my birth parents, namely my birth mother.  I try not to think about my birth father.  I am not yet at the point where I can consciously wrap my head around what he did and be ok with it.  I WANT to forgive him, which I’m told is the main thing.  Anyway, I know that in September of last year, I wrote a post stating that I did not think my birth parents did the best they could when raising me, which seems to imply that they knew the impact they were having on me, and purposefully continued anyway, disregarding my feelings.  My views have changed on this subject.

I believe that my birth parents, and my extended birth family, DID do the best they could.  I believe the people in a particular church who abandoned me did the best they could.  I believe that everyone who has ever hurt me did the best they could.

A person can only behave in a way that they know.  If a person has been raised around critiscm and hate, that is the way they will be around others until they LEARN a new way to act.  If a person has been raised to see the best in people, they will always see others in a positive light.  I know that my birth parents did not come from easy households.  I know both sets of their parents.   I can imagine, as children, my birth parents had hard lives, but in different ways.

I can imagine my birth father was constantly having to live up to his parents’ expectations.  I know they thought that he should succeed in certain ways, exude certain traits, and marry a certain kind of woman.  I can imagine that would put a lot of pressure on a person, and affect the way they live their life.  My birth mother was raised with physically and verbally abusive parents, which would explain a lot about how she acts.  Her parents were constantly disregarding her and her siblings’ needs in order to purchase nonessential things for themselves.  Until one actively seeks out change in their life, they will default to whatever behavior it is that they know.  One cannot be blamed for acting the only way they know how.

Up until recently, I was not a nice person.  Not to people who really knew me.  I was able to hide all my nasty behaviors, until I got comfortable with you.  Then I was rude, critical, angry and mean.  I could never be satisfied.  I was constantly feeling hurt by others, and lashing out as a result.  It wasn’t until I actively sought out different ways to be that I was able to change.  Up until then, I was only acting on what I knew.  What I had been taught.

One of the affirmations I very much like is:

Everybody is doing the best they can; including me.

I used to repeat that affirmation when I was beating up on myself for mistakes I’ve made.  Then I realized that the first part of this affirmation applies to others.  “EVERYONE is doing the best they can…”  I’ve started repeating that affirmation now when I feel others are being hurtful to me.  I use it to remind myself that Crazy Jay may not be perfect, but he, too, is doing the best he can.

Now, let me say that, just because I believe that everyone is doing the best they can doesn’t mean that their best is good enough for me.  If someone’s best is to be constantly critical, judgmental, demeaning and condescending, I do not have to accept them into my life.  I am the one who decides who I allow in my world.  If one is not evolved enough to overcome their hurtful behaviors, they do not need to have anything to do with me.  I do not need to be mean and judgmental back at them, however.  I can simply say to myself, “Hey, they are not far enough along in their journey to be able to interact with me in a way that will not be negative and harmful to me.  This is not a person that I want to spend time with.”  It’s as simple as that.  I don’t need to judge them for what they say or do.  I don’t need to critique them, or try to change them.  I can change no one’s actions but my own.  I need to accept everyone as they are, RIGHT NOW.  I cannot expect people to change for me.  It is up to me to decide how to react when I encounter a mean, hurtful person.  My decision is to keep them out of my life, or to eject them from my life.

So, yes, I now believe that my birth family did the best they could.  That doesn’t change the fact that they each exhibit deeply hurtful behaviors, and that I don’t want to interact with any of them.  I forgive them for what they did.  I forgive them their failures.  I wish them all the best.  I hope they can each find the happiness that comes from truly loving and accepting oneself.

I learn to forgive and release.  Inner peace is my goal.

Categories: Affirmations, Borderline Personality Disorder, Family, Healing, Health, Life | Tags: , , | 7 Comments

Today’s Affirmation


“I am wonderful and I feel great.  I am grateful for my life.”

I really like this affirmation.  It takes care of three separate issues with only two short sentences.

“I am wonderful…”  This part just makes me smile, and reinforces the good feelings I have towards myself.  If someone told you that you were wonderful, wouldn’t that just make your day?  I don’t discount this statement just because it’s coming from myself.  I am just as important and what I say holds just as much weight as everyone else.  I am wonderful!!

“…and I feel great.”  This helps me keep up not only the good emotional feelings, but also helps me feel physically well.  If I focus on the fact that it’s early, I’m tired, I have a full day ahead, I’ll be bogged down with stress, etc, then I will start to feel poor physically.  My head will start to hurt and my stomach will tie itself in knots.  I believe that a lot of the negative physical things we feel are a direct result of how we feel emotionally, or in our heads, about ourselves.  Think of that old commercial for depression:  “Who does depression hurt?  Everyone.  WHERE does depression hurt?  Everywhere.”  If you feel badly about yourself, your body will start to manifest this physically.

“I am grateful for my life.”  Of course, this sentence helps to remind me of all the blessings I have in my life (my husband, my dogs, my job, my vehicle, my house, food in my belly, money for bills…I could go on and on!).  It’s easy to think about the BAD parts of what should be a blessing:  The car breaking down, the fights with your spouse, the stress at work, the annoying kids, the bills bills bills!  Focusing on the negative parts will make you miss the blessing.  God has blessed me tremendously, and I don’t want to forget it!

I really like affirmations that I feel work on several different levels.  I like to dissect the affirmations I say so that I truly understand what I am saying, what I am believing, and what I am putting out into the world (or the Universe, if you will).  Just saying fluffy, feel-good words over and over won’t do anything.  In order to make affirmations work for you, you have to really understand and believe what you are saying.

I’m going to have a marvelous day today.  I hope everyone else does, too!

Categories: Affirmations, Borderline Personality Disorder, Daily Life, Healing, Health, Life, Mental Illness, Thoughts | Tags: , | 3 Comments

It CAN Work!


Things have been more stressful than usual at work lately.  The project is coming to an end, so there is a huge push to get everything done as quickly and cheaply as possible.  Everyone is having to put in a lot of hours this week, and the overall tone in the office is almost panicky.  Throughout the past week or so, I have been going through affirmations to help with stress and anxiety.  As a result, I have been more upbeat and far less stressed than my co-workers.

Yesterday was particularly difficult.  The last hour or two of my 11.5 hour day my neck and shoulders were stiff.  My head was starting to fill with anger, and negative thoughts.  I thought I should change my affirmation up a little to address the issues I was experiencing.  For the remaining hours of my day, and the entire drive home, I was repeating:

I release all negativity that rests in my body and in my mind.

When I got home last night, Jay and I had a very enjoyable evening.  We played some darts (who knew Crazy Jay was such a tosser?) and talked smack while doing so.  Jay lost the game.  He couldn’t stay in the moment like I could.  Don’t let him tell you differently, either!!  Then, we watched some TV, and spent time talking.

An hour or so into the evening, I told Jay the affirmation I had been repeating on the way home.  He laughed at me.  Then I asked him how he thought it worked.  I was the one to start laughing when Jay grudgingly admitted the affirmation seemed to work pretty well.  I was happy to show him that affirmations can be effective.  It’s not just saying something soft and squishy to yourself.  It’s not an act of weakness.  It’s about taking your mind off the negative feelings and thoughts you’re having, and refocusing to something positive.  Feelings are only thoughts that we have about ourselves, and thoughts can be changed.

I don’t have any negative thoughts or feelings rolling around in my head or body right now, so my affirmation for the day will be:

I am wonderful and I feel great.  I am grateful for my life.

Categories: Affirmations, Borderline Personality Disorder, Healing, Life, Stress, Thoughts | Tags: , , , | 9 Comments

Ignorant


I don’t know how to love with my whole heart.

How could I?  Raised in an uncaring home,

Affection was foreign.  Coldness I knew.

I learned to be critical and hate-filled.

I lived on anger and disappointment.

Resentment and hurt were my company.

Loving touches, hugs, kisses, “I love you”

Were not what I knew.  Harsh words, angry stares –

These were my normal.  A life lacking warmth.

I felt like a stranger in my own home.

The child who could not understand love

Grew to the woman who could not show love.

I stay withdrawn and reserved.  Scared.  Hiding.

Even if I wanted to venture out,

I’m ignorant of how to show I care.

Unsure of what to do or how to act.

I sit to the side.  Alienated.

I ache to reach out from behind this wall.

I long to show you the love I feel.

Categories: Abuse, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Family, Life, Mental Illness, Poetry, Relationships | 2 Comments

She is Not Me – With Picture


Who is this girl in the photo?  Not me.
She looks ahead.  Innocent eyes.  Wide grin.
She is ignorant of events to come.
She has not been broken.  Used.  Defiled.
She does not yet know the world hates her.
Still so full of hope and expectations.
Wide open.  Still trusting those in her life.
Not knowing the hurt and pain they will cause.
They wouldn’t do that.  They say they love her.
She hasn’t yet learned the horrors of love.
She will soon find that love morphs to evil.
Everyone uses love as a weapon.
Trying to beat her down.  To make her bleed.
She will soon feel worthless.  She is trash.
She won’t recover.  Her soul feels dead.
She’s condemned to a life trapped by her past.
But not yet.  Today still carefree.  Happy.
She’s not me.  I’m not her.  Impossible.

Image

Categories: Abuse, Anger, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depression, Dissociation, Life, Mental Illness, Poetry, PTSD | 6 Comments

Identity and BPD: so many angles, so little mind…


This is a very good post I found at Half of a Soul. I’ll let it speak for itself.

Half of a Soul - Life with BPD

Image       Lately I’m overwhelmed with ideas to consider/write about/explore in relation to that all-consuming topic of my life: BPD. I know that it’s actually much more important to LIVE a life rather than just spend it looking at life from every possible angle in your mind. Looking at it, analyzing it, considering it from every possible angle is just too exhausting for anyone’s mind, let alone a borderline’s. However, that’s what this post is going to be, in the hopes that venting some of these constant buzzing thoughts regarding the inner life and identity of BPD gets them out for the day (or hour at least).

It hardly needs to be said that, as borderlines, we spend so much damn time thinking this out (well, trying to), questioning everything we do/have done, trying to come up with solutions when ultimately, we don’t even know if we want to…

View original post 1,273 more words

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, DBT, Depression, Health, Life, Mental Illness, Thoughts | Leave a comment

Shaky Sense of Self? Check!


Crazy Jay’s birthday was a couple weeks ago.  Actually four days before our anniversary.  I arranged for him and a friend to go rock climbing.  Since I have an intense fear of heights (you have NO idea), I stayed on the ground with Jay’s friend’s wife.  That was interesting.  She is a psychology major.  Working on her Masters, I believe.  While we were sitting on a bench somewhere, she asked me what I’m interested in.  What I like to do for fun.  What activities I enjoy.  My pathetic response still makes me cringe.  “I’m not really sure what I enjoy.  I pretty much let everyone else decide what we’re doing.”  Even worse was when she asked me if I collected anything, and I had to say “no”.  She knows Jay is bat-shit crazy.  Now she thinks I’m a doormat with no opinion, I’m sure.

This has happened one other time.  About a year ago, I was on my way to lunch with my boss.  While we were waiting for the stop light to change, she asked me what I enjoy doing.  What I do in my free time.  Totally blank.  I had no idea what to say.  I’m pretty sure I said something along the lines of, “Hmm, I don’t really know.  I used to read a lot.”  LOL  I’m still palming my face over that one.

I have realized over the past couple weeks that, not only am I not really sure what I like to do, when I DO know something I like (like certain music, a specific restaurant, a type of book, various movies, etc), I am incredibly ashamed of it.  I can be driving around the interstate, blaring my music (whatever fits my mood at the time), and as soon as I get off the highway and onto a smaller road around other cars, I’ll turn the music down.  If my windows are open when I pull up to a stop light and the guy beside me has his windows down, too, my music gets turned down to barely above a whisper.   At work, I used to let music play quietly through my computer.  I could barely hear it, though, because I’ve been too embarrassed to let it play loudly enough for anyone else to hear.  I started wearing earbuds so I don’t have to worry about it.  A few months ago, one of the guys in the office said he was going to turn on music so we could all listen.  He asked ME what kind of music I like.  I didn’t know what to say.  I was so worried I was going to be judged based on what I said!!

I’m afraid to give my opinion about whether or not I like something.  I’m afraid to suggest a movie or a restaurant.  What if I choose the wrong one?  Then it’s MY fault.  What if other people think I’m stupid based on my movie suggestion.  What if I’m ridiculed for the restaurant I want to go to?  What if they think I’m lame for the music I like?

I started doing some research on borderline personality disorder, which is something I haven’t done in almost a year.  It was pretty sobering to read through the Wikipedia page and feel like it was written ABOUT ME.

According to Wikipedia:

“People with BPD have trouble seeing a clear picture of their identity.  In particular, they have a hard time knowing what they value and enjoy.  They are unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs.  This difficulty with knowing who they are and what they value can cause people with BPD to feel that they are empty and lost”

Huh, that sure makes a lot of sense, especially when looking back at my life.  I have never really known what I wanted to do with my life.   I shouldn’t even say “really known”.  I have had no idea.  My “ideal” career has always changed based on what people I had around me at the time.  No to mention that I DON’T know who I am.  I haven’t a clue (Jay, do you have a clue??).  Nothing about me stays the same.  My likes and dislikes change based on which way the wind blows.  I’m not even sure if I DO enjoy things.  I suppose I can look back and say whether or not I enjoyed it, but I have a hard time DURING the event knowing if I’m enjoying myself.  If people around me are having fun, I just copy them.  It’s not until I’m alone later and can reflect on things that I know if what I just did/watched/listened to/ate was something I enjoyed.

Another quote from Wikipedia that applies:

“People with BPD are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, isolation, and perceived failure.”

So, I would guess that I have felt criticized and rejected in the past based on things that I expressed I enjoyed doing.  *gasp*  SHOCKER!!!  My general past has been getting hazy lately, and I can’t think of a specific example (maybe because there are too many?), but I am quite sure that there were many times I was ridiculed and critiqued for my opinion on something, making me now very hesitant to express it, whether it be by letting people know what I like, or engaging in a discussion/debate based on opinions.

I’m not sure how to change these feelings.  I guess now that I’m aware, like with everything else, I can start working on it.  I have to say, though, that compared to all the other  (MANY) issues I’m trying to sort out, this is very very low on my  list of things to work on.  I am trying to adjust the parts of me that hurt other people, and then maybe I’ll move onto the things I do that hurt myself.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Daily Life, Depression, Life, Mental Illness | Tags: , | 2 Comments

TEN YEARS!!! HELLS YEAH!!!!!!


Crazy Jay’s and my TEN YEAR wedding anniversary was a couple weeks ago.  We were able to spend five days renting a guest house on a 60 acre farm in Berkeley Springs WV.  The farm was named Sunset Mountain Farm and had INCREDIBLE views of the mountains and…you guessed it!  Sunsets!

403

It was a BEAUTIFUL place to go.  There were two ponds on the property, and we had five days of gorgeous weather.  Mayo liked the water, too!!

298  287

I found that I really enjoy kayaking, but I won’t post a picture of that.  LOL  We went fishing, and discovered the stupidest fish imaginable!  They got caught with lures!!  FAKE WORMS!!!!  LOL  I guess it’s a normal thing, but I was just cracking up over it.  Jay caught several fish, and I caught a bass.  I’m told that catching a bass is better than the perch or sunfish Jay caught.  Bwa-ha-ha!!  I used BROWNIES as bait, much to Jay’s dismay.

We took a walk through the woods, and found numerous MONSTROUS-sized ant hills.  They were probably three to four FEET in diameter!!  HUGE!!!!!!  We also cooked on the grill outside a few times.  I love reasons to eat A1 Sauce!  Inside the guest house, there was a really pretty stone fire place.  Jay built an AWESOME fire and kept it going all night.

366

Jay and I don’t have many pictures of ourselves together.  We aren’t very often around other people to get pictures taken of ourselves.  There is one picture of us that is really good.  It was taken a few years ago at Thanksgiving.  Both of us mistakenly deleted the original picture from our computers/emails.  The only copy we have was printed off using a desktop printer and just regular printing paper.  It had been covered with clear tape in an attempt to try and preserve the only remaining copy.  For my anniversary present, Jay took the crappy copy of the picture to some photo shop and had it reproduced, and printed in LARGE size so we can hang it on the wall.  We also got a jpeg copy to keep on the computer.  This was such an amazing gift!!  I told Jay I would rather he not buy me something, but create/compile something sentimental.  After all, not many people make it to ten years!!  We have had our problems over the years, and he and I are working on issues separately and together, but I would marry him all over again, given the chance!!

Thanksgiving 2011 (1)

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Life, Marriage, Mental Illness, Relationships, Travel | Tags: , , | 16 Comments

Kacey Musgraves – Follow Your Arrow


I’m not really into country music, though some of it’s ok.  My supervisor gave me some Kacey Musgrove songs, and I gotta say I like the entire CD.  I especially like this song.  The basic message is that everyone is going to tell you that you are wrong.  No matter what you do, it won’t be acceptable.  Damned if you’re do, damned if you don’t.  So….you may as well do whatever the hell you want.  Be true to who you are, and don’t worry about what anyone else says.

 

 

 

“Follow Your Arrow”

If you save yourself for marriage
You’re a bore
If you don’t save yourself for marriage
You’re a whore-able person
If you won’t have a drink
Then you’re a prude
But they’ll call you a drunk
As soon as you down the first one

If you can’t lose the weight
Then you’re just fat
But if you lose too much
Then you’re on crack
You’re damned if you do
And you’re damned if you don’t
So you might as well just do
Whatever you want
So

Make lots of noise
Kiss lots of boys
Or kiss lots of girls
If that’s something you’re into
When the straight and narrow
Gets a little too straight
Roll up a joint, or don’t
Just follow your arrow
Wherever it points, yeah
Follow your arrow
Wherever it points

If you don’t go to church
You’ll go to hell
If you’re the first one
On the front row
You’re self-righteous
Son of a-
Can’t win for losing
You’ll just disappoint ’em
Just ’cause you can’t beat ’em
Don’t mean you should join ’em

So make lots of noise
Kiss lots of boys
Or kiss lots of girls
If that’s something you’re into
When the straight and narrow
Gets a little too straight
Roll up a joint, or don’t
Just follow your arrow
Wherever it points, yeah
Follow your arrow
Wherever it points

Say what you think
Love who you love
‘Cause you just get
So many trips ’round the sun
Yeah, you only
Only live once

So make lots of noise
Kiss lots of boys
Or kiss lots of girls
If that’s what you’re into
When the straight and narrow
Gets a little too straight
Roll up a joint, I would
And follow your arrow
Wherever it points, yeah
Follow your arrow
Wherever it points

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Life, Music | 1 Comment

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: