Relationships

My Choice


Crazy Jay and I got into it a little last night.  Overreaction on his part led to overreaction on my part until it was a much bigger mess than it needed to be.  I’m trying not to be upset at myself over my part in the fight and continued escalation.  The situation is passed, so there is no sense in me brooding over it all day, and making myself feel worse.  I have assessed the situation, and decided what I need to do differently in the future.  I am not beating myself up, but finding a lesson in this experience.

I have been feeling a little down today because of last night, and then having no contact with Jay this morning.  I wrote down my affirmation of the day on a sticky note and placed it on my desk.  Every time I want to feel sorry for myself, or angry at Crazy Jay, or angry at MYSELF, I repeat the affirmation at least once.

“I am the only power in my world, and I create a peaceful, loving, joyful, fulfilling life.” 

No matter what happens, no matter who says or does what to me, I am the one who decides how I feel, and what I want to focus on.  I do not want a sub par day, thinking about the fight from the night before.  This is the only moment I can live in, and I choose to make it wonderful.

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Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Healing, Marriage, Relationships, Thoughts | Tags: , , , | 7 Comments

Time For a Change


Soooo…It would seem that I’m toying with the idea of forgiving “the snapperheads” (as Crazy Jay would say) who screwed me up in the past.  This would include everyone that I’m harboring resentment against, but it would start with my parents.

I’m reading “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay.  It was recommended to me by my unconventional therapist.  I’m not too far into this book, but I feel like it has already changed my attitude about certain things.  I’m learning the benefits of self love and positive thinking.  “Self love” is hard for a borderline to feel, but there was a brief paragraph in this book that caught my eye.

“Loving the self, to me, begins with never ever criticizing ourselves for anything. Criticism locks us into the very pattern we are trying to change. Understanding and being gentle with ourselves helps us to move out of it. Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

Well, I guess she has a point.  I HAVE been incredibly hard on myself all of my life.  I don’t particularly like how my life is going right now.  Something needs to change.  I have tried a lot of things to try and change my thoughts and behaviors, and nothing has really worked.  Why not give being nice to myself a try?  It couldn’t hurt.

Back to forgiving snapperheads

The thought is that, if one is holding onto anger and resentment, not only can they make themselves physically sick, but they are exerting a lot of unnecessary energy.  One keeps the negative energy and emotions in their body, and it just continues to make their life difficult.

Not only that, but expecting perfection from your parents is a sure-fire way to never expect less than perfection from yourself.  How can you love yourself and not be critical if you expect yourself to be perfect?  I know when I place expectations on myself, I’m constantly kicking myself and feeling like a failure.  It’s better to remember that, just like you, your parents are frightened, injured people.  They have been damaged in their lifetimes, and are only able to teach their children what they have been taught.

In order to free ourselves from the negative patterns in our life, we need to learn to love ourselves.  Before we love ourselves, we must forgive those who have harmed us in the past.  Now, I’m still a little leery of this “forgiveness” sticht.  I talked to my unconventional therapist about this last night.  She cleared a few things up for me that might make this a little bit easier.

Just because you forgive a person does not mean you are saying what happened is ok.  You are not condoning their behaviors.  You are just making the conscious decision to not spend any time or energy being upset by this person’s actions.  The past cannot be changed, but we can change our future by adjusting how we think about things.  If we are constantly thinking about how horrible people are, and about the evil things that have been done to us, our lives won’t be very fulfilled.  We will hold onto hate and anger, and never flourish into the person we could have been had we been born into a loving environment.

I was also assured that just because one decides to forgive another does not mean that person has to be in their life.  I can accept that my parents were raised a certain way, and act a certain way.  I can decide that I do not want people who act a certain way to be part of my life.  I am not judging them, angry, or hating them, I just do not want the negativity they bring as part of my little world.  I can forgive them and work to heal myself without judging them or including them in my life.

I really want to heal from my past.  I want my future to be different than where it seems to be headed.  I want a full, happy, positive life.  It will be difficult for me to show self love.  It will be difficult for me to forgive my parents, and keep in mind that that means no pent up anger towards them.  It will be difficult for me to focus on the positive, and keep the negative out of my life.  It’s difficult, but not impossible.  I am committed to being different.  I have tried a lot of different things to try and change myself.  Nothing’s worked so far.  Time to try being nice to myself, and show a little forgiveness.

Categories: Abuse, Anger, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Depression, Family, Healing, Health, Relationships | 4 Comments

Ignorant


I don’t know how to love with my whole heart.

How could I?  Raised in an uncaring home,

Affection was foreign.  Coldness I knew.

I learned to be critical and hate-filled.

I lived on anger and disappointment.

Resentment and hurt were my company.

Loving touches, hugs, kisses, “I love you”

Were not what I knew.  Harsh words, angry stares –

These were my normal.  A life lacking warmth.

I felt like a stranger in my own home.

The child who could not understand love

Grew to the woman who could not show love.

I stay withdrawn and reserved.  Scared.  Hiding.

Even if I wanted to venture out,

I’m ignorant of how to show I care.

Unsure of what to do or how to act.

I sit to the side.  Alienated.

I ache to reach out from behind this wall.

I long to show you the love I feel.

Categories: Abuse, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Family, Life, Mental Illness, Poetry, Relationships | 2 Comments

Exhausted


I’m starting to think that I’m not cut out to be in any kind of personal relationship with any person (dogs are ok!).  This is problematic as I’ve been married for the past 10 years.  I can interact with people on a professional level, and I can interact with the check-out girl at Walmart.  Other than that, no one should come near me.  I do not know how to have an interpersonal relationship.  I didn’t have any good examples growing up of how healthy people treat each other.  I don’t know how to talk to people without being harsh, demanding, negative, and instructive.  I’m told I treat people close to me like employees.  Though the people I work with think I’m sweet and quiet LOL.  I don’t know how to be open and honestly express my feelings, and what I want, so I come off as sneaky and manipulative.  I don’t know how to show affection or be loving, so I come off as cold and uncaring.  I don’t know how to have a conversation without offending or being offended, so I tend to keep my mouth shut, which makes me seem withdrawn and aloof.  I come off ok on paper or through email.  Of course, it takes me more time than most to compose an email.  I read over it numerous times to make sure it says what I want, and that I am not coming off in an offensive manner.  Too bad that doesn’t work in life or in real time.

Crazy Jay and I have had various marital issues throughout the ten years we’ve been together.  I used to think the problems were all his.  It wasn’t until he and I sobered up a few years ago that I realized a lot of the problems we have are coming from ME.  I don’t want to end my marriage.  Not at all.  Not even close.  I just wish I could snap my fingers and change the old tapes that keep running through my head.  I notice some of what I am doing, but still probably not everything.  I am told all the time that I am doing and saying things that I don’t think I’m doing or saying.  I have a hard time wrapping my mind around something that I absolutely do NOT think I’m doing when the person accusing me is crazier than I am.  Then again, what he says makes sense.

I really do not know what to do.  I am seeing a therapist, and going through a couple books.  I am trying to change as best I can, but it is slow going.  REALLY slow going.  It seems that no matter what I do that I think is right, and no matter how hard I try to do and say the right thing, I am always wrong.  I try “A”, and am told I need to do “B”.  I do “B”, and then find out that I’m not doing “B” right.  Or, I can do something “technically” right, but because I do not seem to have the appropriate emotional response or feeling to put behind it, I’m wrong again.

I think part of my problem is that I don’t have any good emotional feelings to put behind my actions, making everything seem forced and hollow.  I feel so numb and beaten down by life, I don’t have a clue as to how to show the emotion.  Not to mention that, a lot of the time, I’m not even FEELING the emotion I should be feeling.  I don’t have soft or warm and fuzzy feelings, so I can’t act on them.  I don’t even know how to express what I AM feeling.  Every time I try to talk about what I am thinking, feeling, or what is going on in my head, it comes out all wrong.  I come off as complaining and accusatory, though I don’t know how that happens when I am only talking about myself and not another person.  I know that I have stopped expressing myself because it always starts a fight.  It doesn’t even feel worth it.  It seems it would be better for me to suffer in silence and try to deal with things on my own than cause any more trouble.

Things really do feel hopeless sometimes, though I know that they’re not.  It seems that when I don’t try to amend my behavior, I am wrong and that causes a lot of problems.  However, when I DO try to amend my behavior, I am still wrong, and still causing a lot of problems.  I feel like there’s no point in trying.  Why add failure and frustration to my already negative feelings?  If I try and am still wrong, why bother trying?  Why turn myself into a failure?  I feel like I am at an impasse, and I don’t know how to get around it.  This life is exhausting me.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depression, Friendship, Health, Marriage, Mental Illness, Personal, Relationships, Thoughts | 2 Comments

My Apologies


I am being taught a lesson.  Not a horrible or even particularly difficult lesson.  It’s mainly just annoying.  It’s annoying that I am bothered with this throughout the day.  It’s also pretty damn annoying that Crazy Jay may be right.  It’s rare, but it sometimes happens.

For as long as I can remember, I have been in the habit of apologizing unnecessarily.  If someone felt badly about ANYTHING, whether it was my fault or not, I would apologize.  When Jay and I first got married, he threatened to throw a penny at me each time I apologized needlessly.  I think he finally stopped because his arm got tired.

I really didn’t think much else about it until around a month ago when Jay and I were in a session together with our “crazy” new age therapist.  Jay said something about me apologizing all the time, and revealed that it made HIM feel badly.  I was completely shocked.  Why would he feel badly because I apologized?  And it’s not like I really apologized that much…or so I thought.

There is a woman who has been working in the office with me for the past month or so.  She does scanning, printing, and other basic admin duties.  Upon first meeting her, I thought she was a strong, smart, capable, confident woman.  After interacting with her more over these past six weeks, I realized that she has many of the same views about herself as I have about myself.

She obviously doesn’t think very highly of herself.  She is constantly saying things like, “I know you think I’m stupid.”  “Sorry, that was stupid.”  “I can’t believe how stupid I am.”  Things like that.  Things that I am regularly running through my head, but am hesitant to say them out loud.  I’m worried that someone will tell me it’s true.  She talks about how she doesn’t trust herself to always accurately do her work.  She regularly puts herself down.  Now, I have realized that she does this to try and pull compliments out of people, so she’s not totally like me.  She does, however, apologize ALL THE TIME.

I have realized that knowing this woman is going to apologize for the broken plate when I am the one to throw it against the wall has made me very aware of what I say to her.  I still don’t have the “how” I say things down, but I am working on the “what”.  Anyway, I had to tell her the other day that she was doing something wrong.  She was out that day, so I opted to send her an email and thankfully avoid a face to face confrontation.  The thing she had done was very minor, but it still needed to be addressed.  It probably took me about 45 minutes to write a three sentence email.  I was so afraid that I would devastate her with my email, I was trying to be incredibly careful.  I know how she falls all over herself to express remorse when something happens that she DIDN’T do, so I was a little worried about how she would react when she WAS actually guilty of doing something wrong.

After thinking about it, I realized it made me angry that I was being manipulated in this way.  I believe that she has been fishing for compliments and reassurance, and that is why she has been apologizing at every turn and putting herself down so much.  I mean, if she REALLY believed she was so stupid and unworthy, she would keep it to herself…like I do.

After thinking about it MORE, I realized that have been just as manipulative in my constant apologies.  I probably think even lower of myself than she does of herself which is why I don’t say all the negative things about myself aloud.  Like I said above, I am petrified someone will agree with me.  However, I have been feeling so badly about myself that I have been standing up to take guilt and take the blame for things that I have no control over.  I apologize for the weather.  I apologize if Jay spills his food.  I apologize if something Jay and I have planned doesn’t work out.  I have not been looking for compliments since I don’t believe them anyway, but I think I have been looking for reassurance.  I would apologize and hope to hear, “It’s not your fault.  Don’t feel badly.”  Almost like I needed permission NOT to feel badly about anything and everything.  It wasn’t even a conscious thought.  It was just something that I did.  And, of COURSE I apologized.  I felt like shit about EVERYTHING.  I think that even when confronted about all these excessive apologies, I probably said that I wasn’t doing it.  I didn’t do it on purpose, and didn’t even realize it was happening.

Now, since the therapy session where I heard that Jay is bothered by my insistent apologies, I have tried to tone them back.  I think hope that Jay would agree he has heard the amount of apologies diminish.  After spending 10 hours a day with this woman in the office, though, I think I am going to be much more aware of the times that I apologize in the future.  I hope that this will help me take the extra seconds to evaluate if whatever I am about to apologize for is actually my fault, or if it is just the ever-present bad feelings.  Though I am working on getting rid of those, too!

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Child Abuse, Depression, Mental Illness, Relationships | Tags: , | 5 Comments

TEN YEARS!!! HELLS YEAH!!!!!!


Crazy Jay’s and my TEN YEAR wedding anniversary was a couple weeks ago.  We were able to spend five days renting a guest house on a 60 acre farm in Berkeley Springs WV.  The farm was named Sunset Mountain Farm and had INCREDIBLE views of the mountains and…you guessed it!  Sunsets!

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It was a BEAUTIFUL place to go.  There were two ponds on the property, and we had five days of gorgeous weather.  Mayo liked the water, too!!

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I found that I really enjoy kayaking, but I won’t post a picture of that.  LOL  We went fishing, and discovered the stupidest fish imaginable!  They got caught with lures!!  FAKE WORMS!!!!  LOL  I guess it’s a normal thing, but I was just cracking up over it.  Jay caught several fish, and I caught a bass.  I’m told that catching a bass is better than the perch or sunfish Jay caught.  Bwa-ha-ha!!  I used BROWNIES as bait, much to Jay’s dismay.

We took a walk through the woods, and found numerous MONSTROUS-sized ant hills.  They were probably three to four FEET in diameter!!  HUGE!!!!!!  We also cooked on the grill outside a few times.  I love reasons to eat A1 Sauce!  Inside the guest house, there was a really pretty stone fire place.  Jay built an AWESOME fire and kept it going all night.

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Jay and I don’t have many pictures of ourselves together.  We aren’t very often around other people to get pictures taken of ourselves.  There is one picture of us that is really good.  It was taken a few years ago at Thanksgiving.  Both of us mistakenly deleted the original picture from our computers/emails.  The only copy we have was printed off using a desktop printer and just regular printing paper.  It had been covered with clear tape in an attempt to try and preserve the only remaining copy.  For my anniversary present, Jay took the crappy copy of the picture to some photo shop and had it reproduced, and printed in LARGE size so we can hang it on the wall.  We also got a jpeg copy to keep on the computer.  This was such an amazing gift!!  I told Jay I would rather he not buy me something, but create/compile something sentimental.  After all, not many people make it to ten years!!  We have had our problems over the years, and he and I are working on issues separately and together, but I would marry him all over again, given the chance!!

Thanksgiving 2011 (1)

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Life, Marriage, Mental Illness, Relationships, Travel | Tags: , , | 16 Comments

Emotional Clearing in the Bathroom


I think I’m going to have to research and start using the Emotional Freedom Technique, also called “Emotional Clearing”.  I only understand it on a very basic level, but I believe it is using acupressure as a means of calming oneself.  You are supposed to tap on various pressure points (middle of chest, “third eye” on forehead, under mouth, somewhere in the side area, etc) while saying something calming to yourself.  The name also leads me to believe that by doing this, it will enable me to clear out the negative emotions that I have built up due to all the crap in my past.

There are numerous employees leaving the construction project that I work with.  A few left today.  The rest will be trickling out throughout the weekend.  As I was sitting at my desk, one of them came up to me and put his arm around me, and leaned down real close in my face.  He told me he enjoyed working with me and thanked me for all I’ve done.  I, of course, froze.  I was able to stutter out that it was nice working with him.  Then I struggled to hold back tears as he walked away.

Before I was in full crying mode, I SPRINTED to the bathroom and started tapping on my chest like my new age therapist recommended last night.  Crazy Jay has been doing this tapping thing for a while.  He says it helps.  I feel silly doing it, and haven’t really tried.  Not when I needed it, anyway.  As I was tapping on my chest, I said things to remind myself that I was not in a threatening situation, and that I had not just been violated.  My personal space may have been violated, but most people don’t view hugs as an ASSAULT, like I do.

Anywho, after tapping for a few minutes and repeating phrases to myself, I was able to get control of my breath so I no longer felt like I would hyperventilate.  The tears dried up, and I stopped shaking.  It seems that this tapping/Emotional Clearing stuff may just work.  I am going to do some research on it today, and I will talk to my wacky new age therapist about it.  It would be nice to actually find something that helps take away my negative emotions and calm my anxiety.

I thought the title was funny, by the way.  It was just to be called “Emotional Clearing”.  I thought it would be HIGHlarious to add “in the bathroom”.  Afterall, that’s where I was!!  LOL

Categories: Abuse, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, EFT, Mental Illness, Panic Attack, Relationships, Sexual Abuse, Therapy | 6 Comments

For Jay


I miss Jay.  These songs are dedicated to him.  I hope he comes back.  The monkey has totally taken over his body.

 

 

Categories: Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Friendship, Marriage, Relationships, Sad | 1 Comment

The Monkey


I don’t like going home anymore.  I would much prefer to be at work.  I left for work this morning around 6:30, and I’ve been staying late just to avoid being at home.  To avoid being around Crazy Jay’s house guest.  If anyone’s read his blog, you know that he says there’s a “monkey” that takes control and makes him crazy.  Makes his mind race.  Makes him sad.  Makes him mad.  Basically all around fucks with him.  Jay is gone.  The monkey has been living in my house for the past couple weeks, and I hate it.  I hate that fucking monkey.

Yesterday, I went to see Jay’s and my joint therapist.  I’m actually glad that we’re both going to go see her.  We’ve seen her separately, and we’ve seen her together.  Since Jay is her patient, too, I don’t have to worry about spending half the session defending the fact that I’m still with him.  I don’t have to worry about thinly veiled attempts to tell me I would be happier without him.  I mean, I know things are especially bad NOW, but, like the Buckcherry song goes, “it’s not like we don’t ever get along.”  I know it’s bad now, but I know it will get better…and then worse, and then better, and then worse.  LOL  It doesn’t matter, though, because I’m in it for the long haul.

Back to the therapist.  I went to see her to try and get some insight as to how I should behave when the monkey comes to stay.  The monkey does not allow me to show emotion that might make it feel badly.  I cannot be upset, sad, hurt, irritated…basically anything other than happy and agreeing.  I have to watch every little thing I say.  The monkey has an extensive past filled with many many hurts.  The wrong word will bring up those old feelings.  As I’m watching what I say, though, I have to make sure not to appear withdrawn.  The monkey doesn’t like that either.  I must be properly responsive, but in a kind, gentle way, and never disagree, no matter what it’s about.  Even if I am correcting straight up facts, that is unacceptable to the monkey.  It makes the monkey feel like I’m disrupting his “happy” mood, and trying to insert a hard dose of reality.

When the monkey becomes angry if any of the above happens (or whatever sets him off that time), it feels it’s acceptable to lash out at me.  Screaming at me about what I’ve done.  Telling me over and over that I need to be different.  Bringing up all past hurts and telling me that they are current.  Telling me that I need to change this thing.  And this thing.  And this thing.  Telling me I deserve the verbal assault because of whatever I did that triggered something.  The monkey tries to make me responsible for its mood, its feelings, and its behavior.  The monkey believes that everything is my fault, and that I am ruining Jay’s and my marriage.  The monkey will tell me not to speak to Jay (or shut my “dumb fucking mouth”) until I can stop offending it.  The monkey tells me Jay’s and my marriage is over until I stop doing x, y, and z.  The monkey goes on for hours and hours.  Berating me.  Calling me names.  Telling me that everything I’m doing is purposeful to try to control and manipulate Jay.  The monkey follows me from room to room, never giving me any peace.  If I don’t respond, it infuriates the monkey.  It comes at me harder, trying to lure me into battle in the pit.  If I apologize for what I did (or didn’t do), the monkey tells me that I think I can act in whatever hurtful way I want and then apologize.  The whole “It’s better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission” kinda thing.  If I lash back at the monkey, it becomes hurt and rubs in my face the nasty thing I said.  Over and over.  And over.  And over.  Basically, when the monkey is visiting, I cannot do anything right, no matter how I try.

The therapist told me that I need to be “an observer”.  That I need to achieve some kind of balance in all of this.  Of course, I know that I cannot change the monkey, nor can I kick him out of my house.  I need to be there, listening, but not being affected.  I need to know that I am not responsible for making the monkey happy.  I do not need to feel guilt for the monkey’s bad feelings.  It is not up to me to keep the monkey placated.  After the monkey gets its first rant out, it was suggested that I ask the monkey what would make it feel better, and then decide if I can do that.  I was told to stay more “in my soul”, rather than in “my human body”.  This chick is kinda New Ageish.  I took it as staying in the spirit vs being in the flesh (it’s a God thing).  She also suggested we print off a picture of our dog to remind us that we need to take him into account, too.  All the screaming, banging, and knocking things over that the monkey does are very upsetting to our sensitive dog.  I already knew this.  When she brought the dog into the equation, I started crying.  I feel horrible about what I go through with the monkey, but even worse about what our dog goes through.  He doesn’t understand what’s happening.  He’s just a dog.

When I got home last night, I tried to respond to things that Jay said, but not really say too much.  The monkey came out the other day when I told Jay I was “glad he had fun with his new friend.”  The monkey said I was being demeaning.  I never know what I may say that will cause the monkey to rear up and take over.  Things were a little tense, but peaceful.  Jay sensed that I wasn’t being completely open, but the monkey has made it impossible.  All of a sudden, things changed.

Jay asked me to pause the TV so he could speak.  The monkey thought he saw me roll my eyes, and said something.  Now, I do not think that I did roll my eyes.  Rolling my eyes is something I haven’t really done since I was in high school.  If it happened, it was not conscious.  I started to tell the monkey that I didn’t think I did that, and if I did it wasn’t on purpose.  Instead, I swallowed all that down and apologized.  The monkey accepted.  It didn’t leave, though.  It was quiet, but it was waiting.

The next time the TV was paused, the monkey accused me of sighing or huffing.  I’m sure I did make a noise.  It probably had something to do with the way I was laying, and then a sigh came out as I shifted to grab the remote.  Either way, I didn’t even realize I had expelled breath.  The monkey was very angry at this point.  I apologized.  I apologized again.  The monkey was on a rampage.  I don’t think it could even hear what I said.  When the monkey stopped to take a breath, I asked it what would make it go away.  What kind of banana do I need to give it so it would go off in the corner and leave me alone?  The monkey then started telling me what I need to change, and how if I did, it would go away.  I was more clear with the next question:  “Monkey, what do you need RIGHT NOW to make your anger go away?”  It told me I asked a good question and agreed to think about it.

I thought the monkey left.  It was quiet for several minutes.  I thought Jay was back.  I was wrong.  The monkey came back, yelling and telling me how I ALWAYS do this and this and this and this and this.  This went on for quite a while.  I asked it several times what I could do to make the anger dissipate.  I asked it what would make it happy, RIGHT NOW.  I asked it why, when it seemed that we would resolve one thing in the fight that evening that it would bring up another issue.  I asked why the monkey wanted to keep fighting with me.  I soon realized that the monkey was comfortably settled into Jay’s body, though, and was unwilling to leave.  As the monkey continued yelling at me, I slipped deeper and deeper into myself.  The monkey’s voice became a loud drone until it was tired and fell asleep on the couch.

The monkey was back this morning.  It showed up when I told Jay I did not want to snuggle in bed.  That I was hurt from the fight last night.  That I was hurt from the fight the night before.  I am always being yelled at and having hurtful comments hurled at me by the monkey.  When Jay comes back, he hardly remembers saying anything, and doesn’t see a need to apologize.  As a result, I’m left with anger, hurt feelings, and absolutely no resolution.  The monkey chased me out of the house this morning at 6:30.  He didn’t chase me out physically, but its words sent me running.  I was in a very bad spot this morning because of it.  When I left the house, I went to a nearby grocery store and perused the aisles looking for a glass bottle I could break up and use to express my emotions.  The monkey has let me know that I am not allowed to feel upset or hurt.  At work I can’t sit and cry all day, like I’d like to.  It seemed like the only way to express myself was to further mar my skin while thinking about all the things the monkey has been telling me.

I couldn’t find an empty bottle, though, and I wasn’t in a position to wash out a jar that had food in it.  I did not cut this morning.  I haven’t in a while, and didn’t want to start again.  I feel like the monkey gives me no alternative.  I do not know how to function with the monkey being a constant presence in my life.  I hate the monkey.  He makes me miserable.

Jay is trying to eradicate the monkey, but, in the process, it seems he’s unleashed it all the more.  He has increased the power of the monkey.  I know that it will take Jay time to work through things and finally kill the monkey.  I am willing to stay with Jay and love him until the monkey is gone.  I even try to love the monkey, but it is incredibly difficult.  I despise that motherfucker.  It makes my life hell, and then laughs about it.  It mocks my pain and tells me I deserve it.  This is not a threat to take my life, but I sometimes wonder how I will get through each day with the monkey.  It’s starting to seem hopeless.

Categories: Abuse, Anger, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Marriage, Relationships, Self Harm, Self-Injury, Therapy | 4 Comments

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