I’ve been feeling really low these past few days. Apparently the solution is to “just snap out of it.” Damn. Why didn’t I think of that?
Sometimes I wish I was the only one to have to deal with me. The only one to be affected by all the fucked up parts of me. I wish I didn’t have to see what I do to the one person who loves me. I think sometimes how nice it would be to be alone, so I don’t have to be the one to cause others hurt, anger, and frustration. It would be nice to be on my own, and deal with my issues when it’s just me that will be hurt. When there isn’t pressure for me to change immediately, even though I can’t. When doing the best I can do is good enough. I wish I didn’t have the responsibility of caring for another’s feelings. Of having to meet another’s needs.
On the other hand, I can’t imagine going through this alone.
I think I’m going to have to research and start using the Emotional Freedom Technique, also called “Emotional Clearing”. I only understand it on a very basic level, but I believe it is using acupressure as a means of calming oneself. You are supposed to tap on various pressure points (middle of chest, “third eye” on forehead, under mouth, somewhere in the side area, etc) while saying something calming to yourself. The name also leads me to believe that by doing this, it will enable me to clear out the negative emotions that I have built up due to all the crap in my past.
There are numerous employees leaving the construction project that I work with. A few left today. The rest will be trickling out throughout the weekend. As I was sitting at my desk, one of them came up to me and put his arm around me, and leaned down real close in my face. He told me he enjoyed working with me and thanked me for all I’ve done. I, of course, froze. I was able to stutter out that it was nice working with him. Then I struggled to hold back tears as he walked away.
Before I was in full crying mode, I SPRINTED to the bathroom and started tapping on my chest like my new age therapist recommended last night. Crazy Jay has been doing this tapping thing for a while. He says it helps. I feel silly doing it, and haven’t really tried. Not when I needed it, anyway. As I was tapping on my chest, I said things to remind myself that I was not in a threatening situation, and that I had not just been violated. My personal space may have been violated, but most people don’t view hugs as an ASSAULT, like I do.
Anywho, after tapping for a few minutes and repeating phrases to myself, I was able to get control of my breath so I no longer felt like I would hyperventilate. The tears dried up, and I stopped shaking. It seems that this tapping/Emotional Clearing stuff may just work. I am going to do some research on it today, and I will talk to my wacky new age therapist about it. It would be nice to actually find something that helps take away my negative emotions and calm my anxiety.
I thought the title was funny, by the way. It was just to be called “Emotional Clearing”. I thought it would be HIGHlarious to add “in the bathroom”. Afterall, that’s where I was!! LOL
I had my first flashback of sexual abuse/assault/attack last night. It was horrible. I’m still shaken up from it. Maybe I’ll write about it later. I just don’t know. I could barely tell Jay about it.
Speaking of Jay, I would like to retract my blog from yesterday, where I said I don’t feel loved or like I matter. Things have been rough off and on lately with us. Plus, I have borderline personality disorder. You know, feeling things too much and all that black and white bullshit. I do sometimes feel like I don’t matter as much as I’d like to, but, after last night, I definitely feel loved.
While I was lying on the bed, sobbing and crying, feeling like I had just been raped, Jay had his arms around me. Tight. He was hanging on to me to let me know he was there for me. He kept telling me how much he loved me, and that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and it wasn’t my fault. He was absolutely perfect and exactly what I needed after experiencing that flashback. I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t been there.
I just found a very interesting article on The Daily Mail. It’s titled “How Many Women Find Street Harassment Flattering: None”. Women talk about walking down the street and feeling threatened and violated because men think they are being complimentary. A website has been established to spread awareness of the sexual harassment that takes place on a daily basis in the most benign of places.
This was actually a HUGE problem I had while living in Little Rock. Guys thinking they could talk to me, proposition me, harass me. It was constant every time I walked out the door. It’s no wonder I have such major anxiety issues. It’s no wonder I was crying in my car, unable to even go to the grocery store because I was afraid of the aggressive men. They never said anything to me when Crazy Jay was around, but I read stories in the above article with women saying that it doesn’t matter if they are holding their boyfriend’s hand, they will still be verbally sexually harassed.
And that’s exactly what it is. It is harassment. Harassment is defined as “threatening or tormenting behavior”. I don’t know about anyone else, but I feel threatened when I walk past a group of men (or one man…or boys) and have to listen to them make noises at me, comment about my body, and proposition me. Because of my experience in Little Rock with the constant sexual harassment, I now carry pepper foam (Not a spray – FOAM to stick to your eyeballs!) and a keychain I like to call “Punchy”. Punchy looks like a bulldog. Upon closer inspection, one realizes that the fingers slip through the holes where the eyes should be for a nice solid grip, and the ears are actually solid, pointed plastic that will puncture a person’s neck in a second. I accidentally knocked it into my thigh when I was shutting my car door once. I was bruised for over a week. Imagine what it would do with some guided force…
The world today is not doing much to try to stop this unwanted behavior. In fact, the media, television shows, movies, and even many other countries portray men as beings brimming with so much sexual energy they just can’t contain themselves. I’m constantly seeing movies with men drooling and transfixed over a female, and it seems they can do nothing but stare. They just can’t help themselves when they see a pretty girl. It seems acceptable that men are so overwhelmed with the desire to have sex that they can’t keep their mouths shut when a female – any female – walks by. The article mentioned that it doesn’t matter the woman’s age or appearance, she is likely to be subjected to verbal harassment by men who do that sort of thing (not all men do). Other cultures and countries punish the female if she is raped. They say the attack was triggered by her clothing, her words, or even her gestures. They say she didn’t try hard enough to stop the attack; even if the female is 11 and the attacker is a grown man. Some cultures make women cover up from head to toe to avoid being objects of lust by the men who can’t seem to control themselves.
The article ended by saying, ‘We shouldn’t face a battle when we go out in public, hiding our bodies and averting our eyes. . . I wish I could understand why these men feel we would respond to their attention.”
For those who missed it at the top, here’s the link to the article. Definitely worth a read, male or female.
I have not been doing too terribly wonderful lately. I’m sure that could be ascertained by my lack of posts recently. I have been involved in a lot of stressful situations the past couple months. I feel like I’m being attacked from all angles. Add to that the difficulty I have had sleeping. I keep waking up in a panic, scared and crying. It takes a while for me to calm down, if I’m even really able to. I have been talking in my sleep, too. Things that disturb me quite a bit. I must be having upsetting dreams, but I can’t remember ANYTHING about them. I have also been dissociating to the point of wondering if there isn’t someone else taking over my body. Jay has told me some things that I have done recently that I have NO MEMORY of. It actually took me a while to believe him. What he was saying was so far fetched to me, I thought he was trying to play a joke. Not to mention all the conversations he tells me we have that I can’t remember to save my life. Makes me think Mara is making a comeback.
I am seeing a new therapist on Monday. She apparently works very well with people who have borderline personality disorder, and also with people who have been the victim of sexual abuse. This therapist is at the same office as Jays “Friendly Federal Agent” therapist and was recommended by her, so I think she may be able to help me.
I do know that things will get better. I have been slipping slowly downward, but at least this time I KNOW that it isn’t hopeless. I KNOW that I don’t have to crash and burn. I KNOW that I can stop the cycle and enjoy at least a period of improved mental health. Things seem bad NOW, but NOW is not FOREVER. I will come through this, and I will be the better for it. It just sucks going through it right now.
I spoke to my supervisor about the unwanted contact this morning. She was appropriately horrified and disgusted I was nervous to let her know what happened to the point of almost working up to a panic attack. I have been fired in the past for complaining about sexual harassment. She told me to send him an email, blind copy her, and then if it happened again, he would be fired. Works for me!! My letter is below. I know it’s going to be awkward when I see or speak to him again, but I also know from experience that if I keep my mouth shut about unwanted contact that it will continue. I will no more stand for being touched when I don’t want it to happen.
“Creepy Guy’s Name:
I didn’t mention anything to you this morning when it happened because you caught me off guard, but I did not appreciate you putting your arm around me and leaning your head to touch mine. I do not like my personal space being invaded, and I would ask that it please not happen again. I don’t know you very well, and we are in a professional environment, making that kind of contact inappropriate. Thank you for your understanding, and I look forward to continue interacting with you on a professional basis.”
I wish I had the courage to tell people to back off and get out of my personal space. I mean, I guess I can’t control if guys just LOOK at me, but why do they have to talk to me and be jerks? Why do they think it’s ok to call me a “pretty girl” and put their arm around my shoulders? How do I tell them it is unappreciated? I guess I will have to walk around with a sour look on my face again. Maybe I’ll start rubbing rotting onions on my clothes before I walk out the door. Maybe that would dissuade those snapperheads who think that just because I am a female means that I want to be fawned over, touched, and harassed.
Yesterday I had some youngish dude talking to me, asking me to come up to his room to share the chicken that I brought home to the hotel for my husband and myself. Today I heard a guy I work with talking about how he will see “a very pretty girl” when he walks around the corner (to my office). When he appeared in my doorway, he said, “There she is!” and proceeded to walk over to me, put one arm around my shoulder, and squeeze like we were old friends or something. He is a relatively new employee and I have only interacted with him a few times. It even takes me a second to remember his name. Why would someone think they could be so forward with a female employee? Because I’m younger than him? Is he thinking he’s treating me as his daughter? Either way, we are in a PROFESSIONAL environment. That means HANDS OFF, people!!
I know I have a tendency to overreact when ANYONE touches me, much less a male (he’s not worthy of being called “a man”), but, come on? A HUG??? Pressing his cheek to my head? In what world is THAT appropriate behavior?
I think this weekend I will have Crazy Jay pose for a freaky picture. I’ll have his rock-n-roll hair wild, eyes wide and crazy, holding his huge-ass knives. I’ll use it as the background on my computer. Maybe then they’ll back off.
This is totally how I’m feeling right now. People just wants to use me for something…most likely their entertainment as they mess with my head. I’m not worried, they’ll get their’s…and I hope I’m there. This is dedicated to those folks in VA. You know who you are. LMACO
Lyrics are below.
I am an opportunity and I knock so softly
Sometimes I get loud when I wish everybody’d just
get off me
So many players you’d think I was a ball game
Its every man for themself, there are no
This life gets lonely when everybody wants
This might have been your fate
But they’ll get their’s eventually
And I hope I’m there
Surrounded by familiar faces without names
None of them know me or want to share my pain
And they only wish to bask in my light, then fade
To win my love, to them a game
To watch me live my life in pain
When all is done and the glitter fades, fades
They’ll get their’s eventually
And I hope I’m there
I drank your poison cuz you told me its wine
Shame on you if you fool once
Shame on me if you fool me twice
I didn’t know the price
You’ll get yours eventually
So what good am I to you if I can’t be broken?
You’ll get yours, yes you’ll get yours