Posts Tagged With: anger

Please Come Back


His look of love makes me feel secure.

He softly, slowly kisses my forehead.

His gentle caress leaves me wanting more.

My happiest day was the day we wed.

 

Suddenly, he’s cruelly ripped from my arms.

The Monkey drags him, kicking and screaming.

Happened so fast, guess I missed the alarms.

Watching him go, I feel tears streaming.

 

My love’s gone.  Here’s a stranger with his face.

His heart now dark, his anger rends my soul.

His nasty words I wish I could erase.

This vile Monkey is out of control.

 

I ache for my husband and miss him so.

He’ll come back, but he’ll leave again, I know.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Family, Healing, Marriage, Poetry | Tags: , | Leave a comment

Protected: I want to tell them to leave me alone…FOR GOOD!


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Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Life, Mental Illness, Relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Enter your password to view comments.

I don’t remember doing that…Or that!


So, I know that I’ve been disassociating more and more lately.  Sometimes I feel myself slipping away, sometimes not.  It appears that in the last few days, while I’m not really aware of what’s going on, I’ve been doing things to hurt myself.  I have glimpses and flashes of doing it, but don’t have an actual memory of the self harm that occurred.  Each time it’s happened I’ve been surprised when I later saw what I did.  When I changed my pants after work yesterday, I was SHOCKED to find angry red scratches covering my thigh.  Then I got a flash of what happened.  I guess this is something to talk to my doctor or therapist about.  I haven’t called either one of them yet because I’m afraid they will send the police and a straight jacket for me.  I cannot afford to be out of work right now.  I cannot afford to be locked up for a few days.  This is a very distressing feeling, especially since I am usually very careful about where and how I self-harm.  The first time I spaced out and hurt myself I did it on the top of my forearm…where EVERYONE can see!  I never harm in places where people can see.  I also think that area is becoming infected due to what was used to harm.  The second time it happened, it was a LOT of long cuts.  I don’t make a lot of cuts at one time.  Not while aware of what I’m doing.  I am very deliberate.  I look at the area, touch it, think about it.  My thigh looks like it was slashed up.  It looks like it was attacked by a knife-wielding maniac.  Like out of some murder movie.  I’m really freaking out about this.  Has anyone else experienced this?  Please tell me it’s not just me.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Dissociation, Self Harm, Self-Injury | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Numb – P!nk


Numb – P!nk

No sleep, no sex for you from your ex-girlfriend
I was too deep, I can’t let you go and just jump in
At times I would push my feelings aside to let you feel
I’m novicane.  I’m numb and nothing’s real

Like the coldest winter, I am frozen from you
I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can’t feel much for you anymore

I gave you my all, my baby
I’m numb, numb, numb

But the tears were silent inside you see
But the tears were silent inside you see

I laid there quiet, watched you have your way with me
I might have cried, the tears were silent inside you see
You called me names, made me feel like I was dumb
I didn’t feel a thing and now I’m gone, gone, gone

Like a battered child I got used to your pain
But you know it’s cuz

I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can’t feel much for you anymore

I gave you my all, my baby
I’m numb, numb, numb

I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can’t feel much for you anymore

I gave you my all, my baby
I’m numb, numb, numb

Don’t feel a thing, don’t feel the pain
Numb, numb, numb
Said

I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can’t feel much for you anymore

I gave you my all, my baby
I’m numb, numb, numb

I was weak before
Said now I’m numb, numb, numb
No, no, no, no

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depressed, Dissociation, Marriage, Mental Illness, Music, Relationships, Stress | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I hate Facebook


I don’t know why the hell I bother with Facebook.  There is hardly ever anything that I want to say.  At least not on such a public forum where I am identified by name.  I get on there and browse around, seeing what my “friends” are up to.  I have only talked to one person on my friend list in the last 2 ½ months, and that’s my husband.  There were two other people that I used to talk to in person.  I have since unfriended them.

I originally joined Facebook because I thought it would be a good way to reconnect with people I knew from high school.  Why would I think this was a good idea?  I didn’t have many real friends, and the few I had I no longer speak to, nor do I want to.  I see all these people I went to high school with and I’m filled with the same longing to belong that I felt over 10 years ago while attending that fucked up school.  I don’t have many good memories of those people.  I see what they are up to now and am filled with contempt for them.  I am angry that their lives are turning out well while mine is falling apart.  I’m jealous that they are able to pursue their dreams while I’m still struggling to figure out what my dreams are.  Most of all, I’m hurt that no one has reached out to me.  I can’t blame them.  We were never really friends, and I don’t reach out to them, either.

Then there’s my family on Facebook.  I could correspond with my sister, but I am currently freezing her out because she is a selfish, self-absorbed bitch who never has time for me as long as she has a boyfriend.  I could message with my brother or his wife, but I’m pretty much done with them.  My brother’s wife is an uptight bitch who reminds both my sister and I of our mother.  My brother insists on being rude to my husband.  Oh well.  They live in Massachusetts, so it’s not like I ever see them.  My father has deactivated his Facebook page.  No big loss there.  We never had much to say to each other.  My mother is really the only person (besides my husband) who posts on my page or sends me messages.  Too bad I really don’t want any interaction with her.

I have been considering deactivating my page.  It’s really bringing me nothing but more fucked up feelings which I’m pretty sure I have enough of already.  I guess I’ll keep it up for now, not that many people would notice one way or the other.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Depressed, Mental Illness, Personal, Relationships, Stress, Thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Protected: Chronicaling My Self-Harm


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Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depressed, Mental Illness, Self Harm, Self-Injury | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Enter your password to view comments.

No Thoughts, Emotions Only


I had a little break through in my DBT session yesterday.  We were talking about mindfulness.  I was asked about thoughts in my head.  I told the intern that I didn’t HAVE any thoughts in my head.  I told him that people would ask my opinion on things, what I like, what I think, and I would never have an answer.  I don’t have thoughts rolling around in my head – I only have emotions.  I told him that I am so overwhelmed by my emotions all the time that I don’t have actual thoughts.  It’s all about how I feel.  It totally sucks, too.  If I had THOUGHTS, I could pinpoint them and tell myself they were wrong.  I can control my thoughts.  I have power over my thoughts.  How can I control my emotions?  If I am so overwhelmed with sadness, I don’t have room to think.  I can’t think when I’m angry.  I can’t think when I’m anxious.  I JUST CAN’T THINK.

I am so confused all the time, I really have a hard time concentrating when I try to bring thoughts into my head.  They will flit out quickly, leaving me with no memory of what I was trying to think out.  I was trying to do some simple math in my head this morning but couldn’t keep the numbers straight.  I have to plant a thought in my head and say it over and over.  If there is a certain skill from therapy I should be working on that week, I will keep repeating it to myself.  Otherwise it will leave my head, and I will be left with uncontrollable emotions.

The next section we are talking about in therapy is emotional regulation.  Hopefully this will be of some benefit to me.  Maybe once I get my emotions under control, I can get my life back.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, DBT, Life, Mental Illness, Therapy, Thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Who is this angry girl? She’s new.


My anger is starting to get out of control.  It has been simmering below the surface for a while, but so far I’ve been able to keep it suppressed.  All I’ve had to do, up till now, is slam my fist down on something hard.  That get’s the anger out pretty well.  Not this weekend.  I exploded.  I don’t even remember most of it.  The end result was a hole in the wall from my fist, a hole in the wall from my foot, a falling off the wall doorframe, a broken lamp, and a petrified dog.  I had tried to talk to my doctor on Friday about my anger.  I could feel it getting more and more intense.  I almost threw a stapler across my office the other day.  There wasn’t much she said that helped me.  She said she understood my problem to be emotional regulation (dysregulation?), and that that topic would be approached at some point.  Great.  Until then we are learning how to make it through a crisis situation without killing ourselves.  I guess that’s good, but I really need to get these emotions under control.  My cutting is getting worse, too.   All the poisons are coming out.  Unfortunately not in very positive or healthy ways.  My one-on-one therapy should start soon.  I hope I can hold out till then.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

It’s a “Final Cut” kinda day


I think I am going to spend the day listening to Pink Floyd’s “The Final Cut”.  The entire album.  ALL. DAY. LONG.  I wanted to do this yesterday, but, knowing that it is not beneficial for me to be listening to this music, I decided against it.  Today, I say, “FUCK IT!”  I bet I won’t get past this day without a scratch.  LMFAO

Pink Floyd “The Final Cut”

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depressed, Mental Illness, Music | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

How do I get through the day?


This is my very first blog ever.  I am writing to chronicle my struggle with borderline personality disorder and to hopefully help others who suffer from BPD get through each day a little easier.  I was looking around on Word Press yesterday, trying to find some encouragement from other people who had BPD.  All I could find were daily struggles.  I don’t need to read more about daily struggles.  I have plenty on my own.

Briefly (for now) I will list some of the things that I struggle with throughout the day.  Anxiety, emptiness, depression (more like trying to drag myself out of a deep hole), inadequacy, detachment, anger.  There are so many things I could say about these, but maybe some other time.  Right now I want to help people to get through the day, not make their day worse by focusing on my messed up head. 

I have only just started my self-help CBT course, but I am learning a little already.  Changing your way of thinking and your behaviors is key.  I know it sounds obvious, but it’s not so easy to actually put into practice.  I have been writing down distressing situations that I find myself in and trying to analyze what I’m feeling and how I can cope.  There is a worksheet/flow chart called “5 Aspects of Life Experience” by Padesky.  http://www.get.gg/docs/5aspects.pdf  This is a link to the worksheet. 

When facing a distressing situation, I try to write down what is happening.  Where am I?  What time of day is it?  What happened?  Then thoughts and images going through my head are recorded.  What did I think about when this situation occurred?  What about those thoughts disturbed me?  Then I make note of physical sensations I’m feeling, such as sweaty palms, pounding heart, sinking feeling in my stomach, etc.  Next  I make note of the emotions I’m feeling.  I had a hard time with this one.  I actually had to google “list of emotions” so I would know what constituted as an emotion, and what was really a screwed up thought.  Finally I write down my behaviors, what I actually did.  I ask myself what I did to cope.  What helped?  What did I avoid doing?  What automatic reactions did I have?

Going through this worksheet may make you feel silly at first, but it really helps you to look at what you think, what you feel, and how you act during situations.  If you can slow down automatic thinking and understand that they are just thoughts, NOT FACTS, running through your head, you have a chance of altering your behavior.

I would encourage you to check out www.get.gg for a lot of self-help resources.  Does anyone else have any suggestions?  What helps you get through the day?  How do you cope with the constantly changing emotions, debilitating anxiety, mind numbing depression, and anything else you go through?  Not only do I want to help others, I really want to find a way to function.  I want to be able to get through the day without breaking down or running away.  I look forward to your suggestions.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Health, Life, Personal, Thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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